Saturday, May 17, 2014

not a part-time job

I came to a big elephant in the middle of my spiritual walk the other day.

And if you're wondering why I have elephants in my spiritual life, you've missed the point.

Do you ever feel like you're missing something? Like you've got all the pieces but they just aren't fitting together? That's been me these past couple of months. A week would go by and I'd think: "...just what have I done this week?" My answer? School. Quizzing. Watched some TV. Might've read a book or two. Hung out with friends.

Oh, and read my Bible. For five minutes or so. Each day. I think I remember to pray when I was eating alone. Maybe.

Obviously, I had issues. Not good issues (are issues ever good?) And I needed to fix that. But here's the thing:

I didn't think I knew how.

I'm not a deeply spiritual person. I believe in God. I became a Christian at the age of 9, and while I don't think I knew what I was getting into then, I know it was the right way for me to go. But I'm not your evangelical, "I've gotta share God's gift with the world" kind of person. I want to share my faith, but it's extremely hard for me to open my mouth, because it means voicing thoughts that are very near and dear to my heart. And I'm afraid of getting laughed at because of those thoughts. Group discussions at Bible Study/Sunday School are NOT my cup of tea. And I don't think that's necessarily wrong, but I do find it very frustrating. VERY frustrating.

Something I felt a need to change.

But once again, I didn't think I knew how.

I watched my friends do amazing things. I have a cousin going to India this summer to work at an orphanage. One of my friends is going to Hungary to teach English and spread the gospel, and another is going to an Indian reservation like she does every year. Me? I was planning on staying home, finishing geometry, and memorizing Acts. I watched my friends have what look like amazing spiritual lives. Yes, I know I only see what's on the outside, but there's still some glow to how they live their lives that sparks a seed of discontent in me. People talk about having visions, spending hours praying to God, their Bibles are falling apart from their intense studying. Me? I was lucky if I remembered to read my Bible after getting up in the morning. At night, I was "so tired" that I collapsed into bed with my phone and watched TV until I fell asleep, instead of maybe praying. And obviously, during the day I was too busy to sit down and have some God-time. That's just silly talk.

I looked at my life and wondered "How are these people making time for this? I can't find a way."

When in reality, I could.

Christianity is not something you can take in little bites. You've got to take it all, even if it means squeezing some excess out. It's like a full-time job, actually. My dad calls himself a veterinarian, and he is one because he spends most of his time taking care of animals. I call myself a Christian. Can I truly be a Christian when I don't spend hardly any time dwelling in my Saviour and his Word?

I don't think so.

I want Christianity to be my full-time job, not part-time. I don't want to do this halfway. I want to be complete in my faith, and not watered down.

I hope I'll get there. In fact, I think I will. Because I've got a mighty God on my side. And he's going to help me get there, I know.

3 comments:

  1. AMEN girl. To all of this. A couple months ago, I was feeling the same way -- but over the past school semester, God has really "revived" me.

    Keep striving to be the person God wants you to be -- because "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

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  2. I literally just learned this!!! A kid at my youth group did a talk one night a few weeks ago about being in the word. and his main point was that if we're not constantly feeding off of Gods word, we're doomed. and that hit me so hard. the only way to stay grounded in this world is to be constantly seeking and craving after God. that was such a wake up call for me. its like eating. you dont go a day without eating. because you need it to live. so why would you go a week without eating spiritually? you cant.

    I've read my bible every day this week and I feel incredible. my walk with God has been so strengthened. I've been running out of areas to study but I know God will work that out. the other night I was so exhausted and I hadnt read my bible yet and it was past midnight...but I stayed up to read. because so what if Im a little tired the next morning? I was spending time with my Savior. Priorities yo.

    Wow sorry for the rant. lol. I loved this post and really needed that reminder. God speaks to me in repetition; so when I see a certain topic come up a lot, I know its important. Great post!!!

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  3. I applaud you on your honesty in admitting you struggle (In other words saying your human and your not perfect)
    I don't know anyone including myself who has not gone through that season in trying to balance devo time with God along with other things you want or need to do.
    A few months ago I had a problem with putting God first before other daily activities. I convinced myself that I would get to it later, but I wouldn't. All that changed when I went through an emotional downfall that had me running back to the Lord in no time flat. I need Him as much as He wants me. He always reminds me through His Holy Spirit and people in my life.
    Keep pushing for a stronger relationship with Him.
    It is worth it! <3

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