Tuesday, July 15, 2014

it's okay to be a mess

life is kind of crappy right now, and I think you all should know this. I feel like a lot of the time I say too much in empty, metaphorical words, without spelling it all out for you. But this time, I think I need to spell it out.

My grandmother is dying. She's been dying for a while. And, while my immediate family has accepted and adjusted to this fact, not every one else has. And they're hurting and confused and sometimes the confusion hurts others more than they realize.

One of my best friends is shutting me out and I don't understand why. Maybe if I did, I would, but since I don't, it scares me. What did I do wrong? Did I hurt their feelings somehow? Is it simply because they're too busy? I wish I could explain to them that our little talks and our oddball friendship have saved me in more ways than one but those words are too personal and too hard to put into my mouth or onto paper. I wish I could know why--if it really is me or if it isn't, and that way I could have something to put into words when I pray for them. And the fact that this is constantly on my mind makes me worry that I'm being too clingy and overreacting over something simple. Seeing things that aren't there.

Sometimes, my head is too full of frustrating thoughts for me to walk in a straight line.

I'm almost 18, without a plan for my future, can't drive, I'm not going to college like all my friends, and people don't understand this. And they don't understand that their confused looks and "...interesting." responses hurt a lot. I'm only 18. I'm allowed to be confused. Not everybody is perfect.

I've had multiple meaningful conversations with people these past weeks and yet I still feel oh-so-alone. But it's a Tuesday. And Tuesdays tend to be days like that.

I'm reading a book about a boy with depression and realizing "I do that. I think like that. I struggle with that." And it frustrates me because I don't want to deal with that.

I'm writing and words are coming out, but there are too many words to catch at once--it's like my net is overflowing, and the words keep flailing around and falling back into the sea of my imagination for me to catch on another day.

I'm behind in so many things--in school, in quizzing, in text messages and emails, in sleep, in life. All I want is to go outside and play basketball until everything fades away to a dull ache and I can just focus on me, the sky, and the ball, but I'm sick and going outside is a no-no.

I feel like I don't talk to God enough, but I can't figure out why I feel like that because I do talk to him, and I know he's right beside me, always, because he's shown me that too many times to count. 

nothing is really crumbling into pieces, but it feels like it is.

I guess, if I could sum this up in a neat concise way, I'd use The Perks of Being a Wallflower as a guide: this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both alright and not okay at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.



4 comments:

  1. Oh Ely. I so value how you were open and raw in this post. I know that's not easy to do.

    I understand it all! I feel you rough all of that. And from my experience, words just don't really help, do they? So know you have support. In me, and I'm sure from what I see, so many others.
    It IS okay to be a mess. That doesn't mean life is falling apart. Sometimes one has gotta heal in the mess before they can be whole in the happy. Does that make sense?

    Love you. And don't you worry about saying too much or being too clingy with people. Let it go. I don't think you ever have been guilty of that. <3

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  2. I can associate with nearly everything on your list. I can't really say much, but I'm praying, hang tight. <3 Eyes up and one day at a time. One step at a time.
    Yes we don't have a plan for the future, still have school to do (and a million other things), and are the small percentage not going to college. We get looked at weird. Depression seems way closer than God right now. :/ That feeling of loneliness doesn't make sense, but it's there. >.> I'm trying to remember to trust His heart. I don't have any idea why this is happening. It shouldn't. But His heart is bent towards us.. We walk by faith, not by sight..

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  3. [[This is the not-so-anonymous Corban, because he couldn't figure out how to "comment as" anything else. :P I stalk your blog occasionally because it brings out my F (Myers-Briggs "feeling") side. This, however, brought it out so strongly that I was compelled to comment.]]

    I get it.

    You wish you could cross your arms and cross your friend's mind, because you believe they'd unfold their paper heart and wear it on their sleeve. (I have had that happen before-- a friendship that becomes undiagnosedly ill is an extremely heavy weight.) All your life you wish you broke mirrors instead of promises because all you see is a shattered conscience staring right back at you. You wish you had covered all your tracks completely, because you're afraid. And because you wonder: Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
    But I tell you that only heaven knows where the danger grows, and whether it grows, but it's safe to say that there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way. So hold on when everything is shaking; stand strong when the ground is falling through. Reach out to the hand in the darkness that's holding you.

    Help is on the way.

    You forget the last time you felt brave, you just recall insecurity because all of it just came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over you.
    You plead with your depression to just cut to the chase, to cut a long story short. Oh, please be done! you wish and you wonder: How much longer can this drama afford to run? Fate looks sharp; it severs all your ties and breaks whatever doesn't bend. And then, sadly, all your heavy hopes just pull you back down again.

    But you know it's not really like that. For although you can't remember the last time you felt brave, and you just recall insecurity, because it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over you, you have been given grace and love. You are blind, perhaps, but soon you will see. Never forget that you have found a new hope from above, and courage is sweeping over you!

    I know it hurts just to wake up, and I know that you're wearing thin. I know you're alone on the outside, and so tired of looking in. And I know the end is uncertain, and you've never felt so afraid-- but you can see -- you don't need a telescope -- there's hope! And may that make you feel brave.

    "I lift my eyes unto the hills, from where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and of earth." -Psalm 121:1

    Still praying. Stay strong. Keep the faith.

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