recently, I've felt a pull.
a pull to do things. to not be the observer that I've always been.
I am, by nature, a watcher. A person who sees but never takes part, unless I'm comfortable or dragged in somehow. On my own, there is no volition to stand up on my own two feet and do things that are outside my comfort zone.
At least, there wasn't...until recently.
I don't know why it is happening. I'm grateful, and a little miffed, that after nearly 18 years of being "alone" (though I truly never was) and doing my own little thing, that I've finally woken up. I still have my social anxiety. I still have the most ridiculous crutches. I still have days when I don't want to step out my front door--or even my bedroom door.
I think God's kind of been nudging me a lot recently, whether it's through friends, media, a Bible verse...so many little 'hints' have popped up in my way lately. Little reminders that it's okay to be the way I am--an introvert with social anxiety, sometimes even social depression (if there is such a thing...)--but it's also important to move on. To test the waters. To improve.
This is my hundredth post on this blog. I started writing on this blog a little over a year ago...and honestly, I've changed and grown up so much since post number one. It might not seem like that if you've been observing me from a close or far distance, but let me assure: I've let go of so many fears and foolishness, I've lost so many things and gained so much more, I've changed emotionally, spiritually, socially...it's been one giantly weird and awesome experience.
And this blog and you readers have been there the entire way.
I admit, this blog is rather like my diary. I literally stream my thoughts, my interests, and my dreams here, and you all are a willing (or unwilling, perhaps) audience. It is also a little bit like my jump-start. Writing is my passion, and putting my thoughts onto a page is easier for me than it is to voice them. So having this blog as a sounding board for what I'm thinking...in a way, this blog is one of those things that has helped me grow this year--one of the things that is helping get me out of my 18-year "slump" of being an apathetic watcher. And thusly, so are all you people who follow this blog.
Whether you comment or not. Whether you read every post or only what strikes your fancy. Whether you've clicked the follow button or are just observing me and my thoughts out of curiosity...thank you so much.
Thank you so so so much.
Because there have been days when I just want to go back and erase everything that I've written. Days when I can't bring myself to write. Days when I'm just so done that I don't think I put the words on the page.
But then I remember your kind words. The fact that you're following along with what I'm writing. The fact that you're interested.
And something about that keeps me going.
So thank you. And keep doing what you're doing. Because I appreciate it more than you can ever know.