Friday, July 4, 2014

{one hundred: a thank you}

I'm sorry if this makes no sense and is just a wobbly mass of words that came unfiltered flooding from my mind. But I need to get it out.

recently, I've felt a pull.

a pull to do things. to not be the observer that I've always been.

I am, by nature, a watcher. A person who sees but never takes part, unless I'm comfortable or dragged in somehow. On my own, there is no volition to stand up on my own two feet and do things that are outside my comfort zone.

At least, there wasn't...until recently.

I don't know why it is happening. I'm grateful, and a little miffed, that after nearly 18 years of being "alone" (though I truly never was) and doing my own little thing, that I've finally woken up. I still have my social anxiety. I still have the most ridiculous crutches. I still have days when I don't want to step out my front door--or even my bedroom door.


But something has changed slightly.

I think God's kind of been nudging me a lot recently, whether it's through friends, media, a Bible verse...so many little 'hints' have popped up in my way lately. Little reminders that it's okay to be the way I am--an introvert with social anxiety, sometimes even social depression (if there is such a thing...)--but it's also important to move on. To test the waters. To improve.

This is my hundredth post on this blog. I started writing on this blog a little over a year ago...and honestly, I've changed and grown up so much since post number one. It might not seem like that if you've been observing me from a close or far distance, but let me assure: I've let go of so many fears and foolishness, I've lost so many things and gained so much more, I've changed emotionally, spiritually, socially...it's been one giantly weird and awesome experience.

And this blog and you readers have been there the entire way.


I admit, this blog is rather like my diary. I literally stream my thoughts, my interests, and my dreams here, and you all are a willing (or unwilling, perhaps) audience. It is also a little bit like my jump-start. Writing is my passion, and putting my thoughts onto a page is easier for me than it is to voice them. So having this blog as a sounding board for what I'm thinking...in a way, this blog is one of those things that has helped me grow this year--one of the things that is helping get me out of my 18-year "slump" of being an apathetic watcher. And thusly, so are all you people who follow this blog.

Whether you comment or not. Whether you read every post or only what strikes your fancy. Whether you've clicked the follow button or are just observing me and my thoughts out of curiosity...thank you so much.

Thank you so so so much.

Because there have been days when I just want to go back and erase everything that I've written. Days when I can't bring myself to write. Days when I'm just so done that I don't think I put the words on the page.



But then I remember your kind words. The fact that you're following along with what I'm writing. The fact that you're interested.
And something about that keeps me going.

So thank you. And keep doing what you're doing. Because I appreciate it more than you can ever know.

12 comments:

  1. One hundredth post! Awesome. :) I'm a new follower, so I can't say I've been here since the first post. But I do enjoy your posts. And I definitely like your story idea "the great ones and the general."
    I'm an introvert also and am very used to just being the one who sits on the sidelines and watches. I know what you mean by God giving you a little push every now and then about stepping out. I'm 22 and it's still hard sometimes to choose when to be an observer or when to actually take part and be unafraid to be wholly myself. It's a bumpy journey sometimes, but with God it's an amazing and beautiful one.
    Great post!

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    1. thank you!! *introvert hugs new follower* love that you like my story idea, and that you're also still figuring out stuff about being an observer. Glad to know there's others out there like me. :)

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  2. Okay so its official; I need to meet you some day. Soooo come to my city ASAP.
    We're so alike its almost freaky. lol. I've had that same pull on my heart for a while and God keeps dropping me hints to step out of my comfort zone. one line from a song has been on my heart a lot. "Arise and be all that you dreamed." from Arise by Flyleaf. (you should listen to it. it might speak to you too.)
    So congratulations on your 100th post! thats such an accomplishment! I've loved reading your posts and getting to know you on a more personal level. I've made so many friends through the blogger world and I wouldnt be who I am without them. so thank you for that as well! God has great things in store for you. I can already tell. I can't wait to see how you grow in the next 100 posts:)

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    1. YES. We will make this happen. Once I can drive. And get a life. XD

      OH MY GOSH. THAT SONG. I'd never listened to that one (and hadn't listened to Flyleaf in AGES) but oh my gosh. It gave me chills. I imagine it's gonna be on repeat play for a few days...

      d'awww...I'm so glad I've gotten to know you better over the past few months as well. You're a really fantastic friend, and I love talking to you and reading your blogposts. *hugs*

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  3. Keep going. I enjoy your blog and posts and it would be sad if you did quit. And I admire you for trying new things and being more social.

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  4. I've seriously *so* enjoyed reading all the wonderful things you share, and, in a way, being a part of your life. ;) So really -- thank YOU. You've become such a blessing to me. :)

    And coooongraaaaats on 100 posts!!! :) *confetti*

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    1. thank YOU for definitely being a part of my life. You as a reader and as a blogger are such an encouragement to me, and I'm inexpressibly thankful for that. :)

      AHHH I LOVE CONFETTI!!! *runs around like an idiot and throws more confetti*

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  5. I definitely feel ya there. I am soo an introvert. Although I love hangin' with friends and whatnot, I have trouble getting to know my co-workers well enough, because I can be really quiet a lot. Also, I have plenty of days when I don't want to talk to anyone! lol I know I've grown a lot in this over the past couple years, but there's definitely a lot of room for improvement! I wish you the best in taking those steps! And congrats on your 100th post!

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    1. oh yes...the co-workers thing is so hard. While at camp, it took being forced together working with the kids to make me comfortable with my fellow counselors. Otherwise, I doubt I would've had the strength to get to know them at all.

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  6. Congratulations, Ely girl. And I'm really happy for you, and all that you're growing through and learning. It seems so crazy how long now its been since we've known each other, because of the internet!
    You're doing great. Love you. girl.

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    1. awww, I love you too. I'm so glad that we met on that silly Adventures in Odyssey site and grew to be such great friends. What has it been now? Three, four years? I can't even remember, because it feels like you and K-minty have been in my life forever. Really really love the two of you, and I am so grateful for the both of you!!

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the best way to make me smile is to comment. or to send me a basket full of kittens and dark chocolate. whatever works for you.