I hesitated writing this post, because it's of a personal matter and I also don't want to turn into this braggy "I just had a spiritual high moment look at me you losers!!!!!" kinda person, but it's been weighing on my head and my heart a lot today, so I decided to share my heart and brain over the past 48ish hours.
it's been rainy these past few days. A lot. I've stopped taking my vitamin D--which I am deficient in. I was listening to sad music. I watched emotionally draining tv shows and read exhausting boo
ks. I got bored of my walls.
I should've seen it coming. But I didn't it.
I don't want to say it was a full-blown attack of depression. I've been there, and it was different this time. I just didn't feel anything. I was empty. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I wanted to do something, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do. I was lonely. I felt like my heart was breaking. Everything that's bee
n going on loomed over my head. "You're never going to be better," I told myself. "You're always going to be sick and not be able to make friends or have fun. You're just a stupid sick little girl."
I thought I was going to be happy again since my sister came home from camp, but the moment I turned out the light and closed my eyes, it all hit me again. I almost cried myself to sleep last night.
I laid in bed, crying silently so my little brother wouldn't hear (although it was almost midnight and he was definitely asleep) when something told me to sit up. So I did. That same something told me to take a deep breath. So I did. And finally, that something told me to get my Bible off the end of my bed and read it. It would solve my tears better than soaking my pillow.
I almost didn't. I was seriously tempted to continue drowning in my unexplained misery. I wanted to have a ME moment, where I could bask in how terrible my life is and how utterly unequipped I am to do anything about it. I wanted to ignore God's prodding. I wanted to try and understand why I felt this (because I truly have no clue what was at the root of this moment) before I tried to fix it.
I almost gave into me. But I'm glad I didn't.
I'm in the middle of reading Isaiah right now, so I just opened to the last place I read and started from there. When God tells you to open your Bible, you kinda expect the first words to jump off the page and blow your mind and make everything okay again, but that doesn't always happen. I remember pouring over pages and pages of God declaring his anger at the nations and how he was going to wreck havoc over them and their descendants. This doesn't really speak to me, God... I thought. I mean, I get the message and all, but this ache in my heart isn't getting better and I'm still crying and confused.
And then I hit Isaiah 24 and 25.
Verses 14-16 of 24 punched me in the chest. Those verses speak of people in the east and west praising God and singing joyfully, while the speaker himself cries out to God, saying: "I waste away, I waste away. Woe is me!" And that summed up a part of the emptiness in me. I've felt spiritually "broken", I guess, for several months. There just hasn't been the spark that I've felt before, and I felt inadequate. My mind was on other things. And then I see my friends, from all over the world, seemingly blow up with their love and passion for Christ. I know I only see the surface, but the surface was enough to make me feel like I was failing somehow.
If I'd stopped crying by that point, I definitely started up again.
Chapter 25 started out normal enough; nothing really stood out to me...until I got to verse 8.
He will swallow up death forever;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces,
and the reproach of his people he will
take away from all the earth
for the Lord has spoken.
It will be said on that day,
"Behold, this is our God; we have waited
for him, that he might save us.
This is the Lord; we have waited for him;
let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation."
Cue the flood of tears.
Oh, wait, we're not done. Chapter 26, verses 3-4--you will be kept in perfect peace if you keep your mind on the Lord, if you trust Him. "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."
There is purple ink and tears all over these pages. I don't remember thinking much as I wrote, but as I look back over my notes, I'm impressed I was thinking this clearly at 12:59.
And then verse 9 rocked my world.
My soul yearns for you in the night;
my spirit within me earnestly seeks you.
that was me. I needed God, not some anime or music or a friend to talk to in order to keep my mind off the thoughts going around on repeat. My heart wanted something, but it wasn't those^^ things like I thought. I needed something more. My soul was yearning; my spirit was trying to earnestly seek...and I was suppressing that need.
As I continued reading and reading, I kept encountering verses that repeated how God will take away all illnesses and brokenness. Heck, He'll even slow the hasty folks and give the quiet people a voice. That voice, the dark one that told me I wasn't ever going to be a normal person again, had no other choice but to stop telling me its lies. And even if it had continued, I knew better.
I don't know how long I was reading, but I remember seeing my bedside clock read 2 am...and I woke up with my Bible still open. I'd never done that before. My heart needed it. My brain needed it. Even though I'm pretty much exhausted today, I feel really good.
It's still raining. I still feel lonely. I still didn't take my vitamin D--because I'm out. I'm still kinda sad...but it's strange mixture of "I'm sad..." with "I know everything is going to be okay."
I haven't felt this good in weeks.
I haven't been okay for a while. But I think I'm a little better today.