Friday, October 23, 2015

not me


when you swing your feet out of bed, you wonder--is that really me? 
your toes look miles away and unfamiliar, as if while you lay flat on your back staring at the ceiling with exhausted eyes, someone sneaked in and left you with a stranger's feet. 
you sit there, rocking back and forth with indecision. should you stand up and let the heavens waltz around your pounding head, or should you curl up in the fetal position for just a little longer, in the hopes that you'll actually fall asleep?
 there is no better evil. 
both options suck.
the room is dark, except for the lamp in the corner, which sends lightning flashes of pain from the back of your eye socket to the very centre of your skull, and if you let your eyes go out of focus, it's something like a dream...you're not actually sitting in your sisters bed. you're asleep. you feel nothing.
that is true though. you do feel nothing.
and yet you feel everything at the same time.
stand up. stand up. your mind is slipping down dark corners. if you let it fall any further you won't get it back, and then you'll be stuck with a stranger in your mind too. 
so you stand up. 
the world shifts to the left and then back again. 
the carpet scratches at your skin and you can feel every fiber underfoot. 
you take a deep breath and move. 
the first step is the scariest. you know you can make it, but there's little bit of uncertainty that your knees will buckle, that they will finally snap like they've been threatening to do for so so long, and then you won't be able to move at all. that thought alone makes your skin physically itch. you hate that. you hate being a vegetable so much.
that's why you're here, in this place. you chose this. and you're not quite sure if you can handle it yet.
but you will. you will be able to. not by yourself, but with Him. 


{hello, my lovely blog friends! I hope you enjoyed this little snapshot into my head earlier today, because it may be the only thing I post on this blog for a few days. yesterday, I was experiencing so much pain that we started the meds that we've been avoiding all semester because of the side effects. so far, the drugs are helping some (they're the kind that build up as you go, so the fact that they're relieving some of the pain already is very encouraging); however, I am very much a potato. I'm very drowsy and have a hard time putting writing together (ahhhhh I better adjust to these by NaNo or I may be screwed), so I am taking a mini-hiatus this next week. so no week recap unless I feel amazing (or it may come on Wednesday because rebellion), no TBR review (even though I was going to review Unwind yesterday...wouldn't that have been great? emotionally and physically in pain. perfection), and no anime post that I was brewing up. just kidding. I mainly just wanted an excuse to watch absurd amounts of anime. if I suddenly find sleep and clarity, I will try and post somethings, but as of right now, welcome to hiatus.

which honestly isn't that much different from this week because I hardly posted at all but whatevs.

(confession: I spend too much time on Pinterest.)






*cries because this is my life*

hope you all have a fantastic weekend and upcoming week. <3 } 

(have a VIXX song on your way out. it's a classic and also the first VIXX song I ever learned to sing by memory and it's basically perfect. except for the hair. except N. that red hair tho.
oooookay I should probably go sleep or something.)


2 comments:

  1. I will be praying for you, hope you feel better soon. :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hope you feel better! And I love your quotes you have in your posts!

    storitorigrace.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete

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