Tuesday, February 23, 2016

hey you pt. 2

yeah, you. been here before, but this time it's a little different. 

you're my new number one enemy. 

the thing that kinda turned my life upside down. Multiple times. Again.

me every time you flare up

the thing that's confusing my body and destroying my...well, my everything in a slow and painful process.

yeah, you know who I'm talking about.

fibromyalgia.

here she goes

a little over a year ago, I wrote a letter to my then sworn enemy gluten, complaining about how crappy it is and how I was thankful for its presence in my life--without gluten, I doubt I would be able to cope with my depression and anxiety like I do now. it taught me a lot of things, and I'm grateful for that. miss the pizza tho. 


little did I know that you were about to make an entry into my life that would shake things around all over again. 

screw you, fibromyalgia. you suck. 

you will never be kawaii, fibro. never.

you came out of the blue--one day, I was fine; the next, I couldn't walk up the stairs. I didn't know what happened, and I honestly felt like I was dying from the inside out. you took away my social life,  my education, my brain (or what was left of it), my health, and my happiness. you replaced it with sadness, pain, and depression. you set me on edge--towards everything. thanks to you, I experienced my first panic attack, my first MRI, and had needles as long as my pinky finger stuck into my legs. I cried because of my eccentric neurologist telling me I might have a degenerative muscle disease--because of you. I had days where I couldn't even walk outside because you hurt my skin and my eyes. sometimes, the very clothes I wore hurt me.


all because of you. 

you disgusting piece of autoimmune disorder. shame on you. 


now, you might claim that gluten kindly opened the door for you, and I practically welcomed you in with my sky high stress levels, but the fault is entirely yours. you wrecked havoc on my body, and I had to pay for it, with, once again, my social life, my education, my brain, my health, and my happiness. 


well, that's not a thing any more.

you and I are over. 


that's not to say that you won't still be around, lurking at the corners of my life. there will be days when you shove your way in, sending pain up and down my spine, wrapping my ribcage in your burning, aching grip, turning my brain to mush because I'm in too much pain to handle. that's okay.

I average at "beeees" or "i can't stop crying" on flare days

I am always going to have bad days. that's something that I've accepted, and I kind of needs those days. they remind me to appreciate the good in my life, and to be careful or I might wind up where I was before if I don't make the right choices. 

this is my favourite quote ever--LISTEN TO THE BUNNY

I'm writing this because today was a rough day--not because of you, per se, but you do amplify every little thing. you little drama queen, you. you like to make everything about you, don't you? even simple spring time allergies. that's so out of your league. 

get over yourself, please. I sure am over you. 


I said this to gluten, and I'll say it again, only to you: even though today was rough, it was a good day. My back hurts a little. I'm tired but what else is new. And every time I want to slip into my good old mire of dark thoughts, I just remember that you're to blame.


You changed my life. Those dark thoughts, that depression, that anxiety...that was all amplified by you (along with frickin' gluten). Yes, those thoughts came straight from my head, but you dragged me into the mire and made it impossible to get out. I didn't even have the strength to try.  


depression sucks. there's no other way to say it. but now that I know, now that I've seen people be happy through all the suckiness--now that I myself have been happy!--I know I'm definitely over you.

And I'm thankful for what you taught me too.

But I still want to sucker-punch you (and gluten...still) right in the face. 

this is a metaphor; yoongi, I still love you

Just sayin'. 

*aggressively eats bowl of rice*


yes, ladies and zentlemen, I have been cleared to introduce my forbidden foods into my diet again. last night, I ate two small spoonfuls of white rice--something I haven't eaten since October. 

me when anyone mentioned my favourite forbidden food

it wasn't quite as good as i thought it would be. *shrugs* maybe I'm over rice too. now that's something I never thought I would say. 

so far, I haven't felt any change or reaction, but I'm definitely waiting a few days before trying anything else new. definitely do not want to push it. but I am so so thrilled. hopefully once the weather stops screwing around and my allergies settle down, I'll be less tired and achy. either way, I am so thankful I made it through this past year. there were times when I worried I wouldn't be able to survive this. when I think about those nights, when the pain just enveloped me, it physically makes me cry.


I never want to be there again. 

but instead of dwelling on painful memories like those, I write cathartic letters to my disease. you should do it too. it relieves more stress than you'd imagine. 

hope you all have a great week!!!

byeeeeeeeeeee 

7 comments:

  1. I love you. I want to write an angry letter to fibromyalgia for you. it would go something like "screw you for all the pain you've caused my best friend. she did not deserve this but you know what? shes a lot stronger than you so prepare to get your butt kicked."

    *hugs*

    I love you so much and I'm sorry today was a bad day and I wish I could take a bus to you or fly or teleport. I wish I could make you feel better.

    you're a fighter and I am so proud and astonished with how strong you've been this year. you're an inspiration and have I mentioned I love you?

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    1. <3 <3 <3
      I sorry I didn't answer this til now. life be crazy. but when I read it for the first time I kinda teared up a lil. I love you so much, girl. you're willing to have it out with my illness, and I'm ready to beat yours up for you. that's true spoonie friendship, don't you think. <3 I'm so blessed with your friendship. honestly don't know what I would do without it.

      "I wish I could take a bus to your or fly or teleport." sums it up so well. it will happen, someday. *crosses fingers*

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  2. It's sucks that you had a bad day, I can't imagine how hard it is to fight something like that, but you do and I find it so inspiring. You make me want to fight harder when something in life pushes me down. So thank you for that, this disease got nothing on you!

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    1. this comment made me smile a lot. it's so weird to me that how I handle this illness inspires people do things, because that's mostly how I survive this--I look at others and know that if they can handle it, I can. so I guess it's the gift that keeps on giving. :) thank you for the encouragement.

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  3. Oh, that's so hard. Ugh, I just... even imagine. Praying for you. <3 You got this, and I'll go punch a pillow for you.

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    1. thank you for the prayers. even on the good days, it makes a huge difference to know people are praying for me and my family. *punches pillows with you*

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  4. Oh, this is powerful. I feel for you, and I've been praying for you since I found your blog! I've been so impressed by your attitude and the way you work through things. <3

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the best way to make me smile is to comment. or to send me a basket full of kittens and dark chocolate. whatever works for you.