Friday, February 3, 2017

cling hard

it's been a week.

and it's only thursday. funny how that works.


nothing has been hugely terrible about this week--no death, no illness, no sudden loss of anything drastically important--but my soul has been heavy and my body has been tired. there's a lot going on in the world right now, and I desperate want to stay informed and a part of what is going on, because that is important to me, but everything has left me drained. maybe it's the hormones. maybe it's the fact that I'm constantly going and doing now, and I'm still getting used to this. maybe it's because my schedule has been disrupted so many times this week and I tend to fall apart when that happens. maybe it's because one of the things I fear the most almost happened and I'm still an emotional mess over it. maybe it's because I am just having one of those weeks. I really don't know why I feel like this.


but I do know that it is going to go away.


I'm tired. I'm sad. I cried earlier, and when my family gets home, I'll probably cry again, just because it's been a week and I feel particularly weak. this isn't pretty. this isn't easy. but even as I'm sitting here trying to get all these haphazard thoughts out of my busy brain and into some rational form, I know it's going to be okay. hope is a beautiful thing. I have hope that I will feel better. in fact, I have hope that I'll feel better tomorrow, after a good nights sleep and seeing my sister. I feel better already after having cried. and that's the important thing, I think. there will always be times when hope is hard, and that's when you have to cling to every good feeling that you can find.


my cat is curled up next to me right now. he is safe, he is here, and he loves me.


even though I've been sad this week, I've laughed so much. full-blown out loud laughter. in class, at home, by myself or in public. I didn't used to be able to do that. laughing out loud is such a foreign concept to me that every time I notice I'm doing it, I'm startled. it's funny how these little things that never meant anything before suddenly mean everything.


I've survived four weeks of school as of tomorrow. can you believe that? this week was hard because of cancelled classes and exhaustion, but I'm slowly reorganizing that standard that I've built for myself with my grades and my performance. I do not have to be perfect. I do not have to do everything right the first time. I am allowed to make mistakes, and that does not make me a lesser person.


and despite the exhaustion and the tears and the constant hesitation, I love my life.


it's been a week, and that's okay. we're allowed to have those--they're a natural part of life. but no matter what's going on, no matter what you feel, or what your emotions may be saying, always remember to cling hard to the good things in life, whatever they may be. every day, every night. keep holding on to them until you find the true hope that things will be a little brighter someday soon.


and as my dear old friend Hobbes once pointed out, sometimes, when the world gets complicated, the best thing you can do is to just take a nap.


*update* I am feeling better today, friends. never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep and working through your muddled thoughts with words. love you all. <3

3 comments:

  1. Your story is inspiring! I've had times where I couldn't face the world because life hurt too much. Knowing that it would get better was the only way I could get through it. 😊

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  2. I needed this so badly. I love you.

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  3. I too have noticed the laughter. It is one of the first things we noticed when you started back to school. That and the extra bounce in your step, the extra sparkle in your beautiful smile and your playful attitude with your brother. There is just an extra glow about you that makes me smile everytime I see you. By the way I may tease you about his antics when he comes in at 2:30 in the morning. Rest assured, I love him (we all love him) and I would do anything and everything to keep him a part of your life.

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the best way to make me smile is to comment. or to send me a basket full of kittens and dark chocolate. whatever works for you.