how to live : beginnings
for Christmas this year, I asked for a Bible. I didn't really think much about it--I wanted a Bible I could write in, one I could pour my heart and thoughts into, and the one I currently had had no space for that. it wasn't that big of a deal.
however, when I opened that present and saw my beautiful new Bible, something sprang to life in me.
new beginnings have been weighing heavily on my heart this month. maybe it's because I'm moving into a new stage of my life, with several intimidating beginnings quickly approaching in the new year, or maybe it's because I finally feel like I'm beginning to grow up, figuring myself out again after all that has changed in life over the past two years. new beginnings are beautiful. they are also terrifying. you want to do them perfectly, but you also know that the potential for disaster is always at your fingertips. beginnings allow you to put your past behind you, to start with a fresh slate. the baggage is still there, waiting for the right time to be revealed, but sometimes just living life without the constant pressure of your history on your shoulders is enough to start moving on to something new.
I didn't think of this new Bible as a new beginning, but it really is. my old Bible has been with me through the worst times of my life. from the age of sixteen to twenty, it has endured my tears, my love, my heartbreak, my joy, my questions, my weakness. and yet, it's not as full or as worn as I would like it to be. there's growth there, but not as much as there should be. as much as it's been there for me in hard times, it's also a constant reminder of my failings. and I want to be better. I want to be stronger. I want to believe, and I want to trust.
I want this Bible to be the one where I begin to grow. where I seek out faith in more than just the hard times--in the times where I am hungry for more more more.
new beginnings don't always have to be brand new. sometimes they stem from the oldest and dearest thing you know. and sometimes, starting from somewhere, with an openness of heart that you didn't have before, is what it takes to get to the place that you want to be.
this Bible is a new beginning for me. where this new beginning will lead me and what I will learn from it is still unknown, but I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm waiting.