Thursday, February 19, 2015

hey you

yeah, you.

my number one enemy.


the thing that kinda turned my life upside down. Multiple times.

the thing that's confusing my body and destroying my intestines in a slow and painful process.

yeah, you  know who I'm talking about.

gluten.


we used to get along so well, at least on a surface level. We hung out quite a lot over cake, sandwiches, pizza...you name it! I wouldn't say that I love you, but at least we tolerated each other. The occasional headache happened, you sometimes made me want to puke...but it wasn't that big of a deal. Our personalities just didn't mesh.

well, that sure changed.

I don't know when it happened, but something inside of me snapped. I couldn't handle you any more--literally. We were at war with each other, and at times, you took my will to do anything and buried in some deep dark hole.


how despicable.

to think that something as innocent and lovely as a cupcake could be so evil.

I'm writing this because today is a good day. This past week...not so much. I thought for a moment that I was over being over you. A month completely gluten-free (and pain free...) is pretty fantastic. But one Wednesday afternoon, that all blew up. You came back full force, and I'm really not sure how. The five days after that were pretty sucky. I'll admit it. I was probably a major pain to be around (heh, I still am, I'm sure.) I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to eat, I wanted to sleep and couldn't...


same story, second verse.


but today's a good day. My back hurts a little. Breakfast didn't want to go down but it stayed down eventually. I'm tired but what else is new. And every time I want to slip into my good old mire of dark thoughts, I just remember that you're to blame.


I suppose I should thank you. I don't want to, but I should. You changed my life. You made me realize that I was supposed to think the way I did for two years straight. Those dark thoughts, that depression, that anxiety...that was all amplified by you. Yes, those thoughts came straight from my head, but you dragged me into the mire and made it impossible to get out. I didn't even have the strength to try.


depression sucks. there's no other way to say it. But now that I know, now that I've seen people be happy through all the suckiness, now that I've seen bright spots in between your stupid attacks...I know I'm definitely over you.

And I'm thankful for what you taught me too.

But I still want to sucker-punch you right in the face.

Just sayin'.


2 comments:

  1. aww I hope you feel better soon<3
    if you ever have a prayer request, message me. or just snap chat me "prayer request." and I'll drop whatever Im doing and pray. I got you girl.
    stay strong<3

    ReplyDelete

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