Monday, September 28, 2015


there was an abandoned dinghy by the dock.

Matt only knew this because he liked to go sit by it when he was feeling especially introverted, and the smell of mossy rotting wood was oddly comforting. The lake was always calm and green, and the dock was the on the side where no toxic green sludge grew, so he was content to spend hours just sitting there. Colt didn't like the mosquitoes from hell, and it was far enough away from the buzz of the town that no one ever walked down there. He could be alone.

just him and the dinghy.

to be honest, he could've sat anywhere. The salt and pepper granite bench that crumbled to the touch. The fallen log across the way. Even the end of the dock had cushions for sitting. But no...he liked to sit next to the dinghy, staining his jean pockets with mud and other decomposing things. He really wasn't sure why. In his mind's eye, it looked like an over-dramatic album picture or senior photo; he tried his hardest not to look thoughtfully into the distance, but you know how hard it is when you're being introspective and the moment is just right.

Maybe it was because the dinghy looked so lonely. Tucked away from the rest of the town, it was left to rot. Not even the boathouse claimed it when the town activists complained about the rubbish. Nobody wanted it. Nobody cared.

and as emo as that was, Matt couldn't get that idea out of his head.

that he and a beaten up old dinghy had more in common than the rest of the world.

he doodled in the mud with a stick one lazy Tuesday afternoon. Cicadas buzzed heavily in the woods, and for the millionth time he wished they had wifi out in this wilderness. He could really go for some Halsey right about now.

at least Colt wasn't around to give him grief about his music tastes.

"Maybe I should pick up the guitar," he murmured, dragging the stick through the mud.

"You're not really the guitar-playing type, I think," said a voice behind him.

the stick snapped, and Matt jumped, his heart pounding like a bass drum in his head. No one came out here. No one. Ever. His heart sunk.

he was going to have to find a new hiding place.

he turned around halfway and saw the girl from the gift shop. At least, he thought it was her. Her fire engine red hair hung in two limp braids and a beanie barely clung to the crown of her head. She wasn't wearing her overalls like before, but the sweater and jeans she had on made him uncomfortably sweaty as well. How did she wear such warm clothes in May? The heat drenched him and ruined all hope of having dry clothes.

"W-what are you doing down here?"

she shrugged. "It's a free country. And town. And camp. And lake. Though for a free camp it's pretty crappy. I like the lake though."

"No one ever comes down here." he didn't know why he told her that. That didn't matter to her. She didn't need to know she was disrupting his private place.

or maybe she did.

she shrugged again. "Obviously that needs to change, then, because they're missing out on the sunsets of their life." She pointed toward the horizon, where the sun melted in the pale green leaves of the woods. "Who wouldn't want to see that."

the sunsets were his thing. Not the rest of the worlds.

he swallowed. "Are you staying at the camp?"

"No, I'm sleeping in the back of a stranger's car." she gave him a venomously sarcastic smile. "Of course I'm staying at the camp. You work there, right?"


why was he chatting with this stranger? This girl with the bright hair and bright smile was none of his business. He needed to go find Colt and let him bug him about calling home so that the world's orbit would fall back into place. Or his sanity would begin an orbit of its own.

he stood slowly, hoping she wouldn't notice his panic to get away from her as fast as possible.
Luckily, she was too occupied with lifting her camera and loudly snapping pictures of the quickly fading sunset. He hadn't noticed the camera at first. It was kind of a relic--heavy, brown, with a huge lens. She held it carefully with both hands and focused gingerly. Her concern for the photo was like watching her paint a picture. Every time she pushed the button and the shutter closed, a story escaped.

his throat tightened with all the unsaid words in the art of her existence.

she looked up at him, and he guessed his fluster showed through, because she wrinkled her nose and asked, "What's with you?"

"What?" His voice barely squeezed out, and he had to swallow too many emotions. He hadn't tasted that many feelings in so long.

"Sit back down."


she sighed. "By the boat. I want to take a picture. You look like an emo 2009 kid who really wishes he was in a band because he's got all these pent up emotions but isn't cool enough to express them in anything but song."

he blinked slowly.

she blinked back. "I'm completely serious. Sit down, and I'll let you go back to your contemplation on life and pond scum. Please."

it was the please that caught him and sent him back to sitting in the mud. She wasn't a please kind of girl. Her eyes sparkled with independence and spirit. The way she stood on the one flat piece of dirt while surrounded by uneven land made it seem like the world had formed around her without a second thought. Her words rose and fell without a care for anyone else, and her lips curled with determination. She didn't say please. Not to just anyone.

maybe being 2009 emo wasn't a bad thing.

he looked at the dinghy, and the dinghy looked back at him, straight into his soul.

"Sucker," it said.

"I know," he replied.

and then the shutter clicked and he turned to ask for her name but all that was left of her was a whirl of red hair caught in the waning light.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

the robot reads

books make me cry.

I'll admit it. I'm no longer the stone-hearted reader I was five years ago. I'm well on my way to being a softie. This didn't happen recently, although the past six months have had a huge influence on me, but books have grown to mean a lot more to me over the last two years.

also, if you want to throw a book at me, I will definitely cry. Whether it be for my sake or the book's, I do not know. (what the heck, past make no sense? just how late were you up???)

just saying.

so what does it take to make me cry over a few hundred pages? characters. gimme strong characters, weak ones, unreliable narrators...shove them into my life and watch them eat away at my heart (in an entirely non-gory type of way). Compelling plot. Sketch a beautiful story for me, and I won't be able to escape it. I will also have a week of hiding in the closet quivering because my writing will never live up to that. It's inevitable. And if you use imagery or prose or thoughts that somehow resonate with me, tears are guaranteed.

Just don't except anything deep, because I got emotional over Uglies' first line because of how freaking amazing it is. And honestly--cat throw up skies are a thing.

now, those are just some general ideas of what affects. what about books? it's one thing to get choked up over a simple sentence, but what about a whole book turning you into a leaky faucet? that's saying something.

the first book that comes to mind when I think about emotional books is Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock. Just seeing the cover makes me cry on the inside. I can't remember if I reviewed this book or not. I read it last year, and we definitely had a love/hate relationship. I hated the first fifty pages. Leonard and I just didn't jive. I'm pretty sure it sat on my TBR pile for a month, at least. Then I picked it up on a rainy afternoon and bawled my eyes out.

what about Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock made me so doggone emotional?

you don't know what's going to happen.
you don't know what Leonard's going to choose.
you hate his mother so freaking much.
you're emotional invested in old movie lines and hats and what's under a teacher's sleeves.

it's that kind of book.

another book that mentally broke me for like two days was We Were Liars. Literally broke my heart. Plus, that is one interesting read. Mystery, romance, contemporary, sadness...never ending sadness... and the prose. Oh the prose. The format and tone of the novel is something to cherish, because a book this amazingly written is hard to find twice.

basically, books with unreliable narrators turn me into an emotional mess. shocker there.

as always, Challenger Deep makes the list. however, one book that caused me much emotion that I haven't blogged about is It's Kind of a Funny Story. This book spoke to me a lot last summer. I read it around the same time as I finally buckled down and read The Perks of Being a Wallflower (which you can read about HERE). This is one book that I never bought but really probably should because it's so relatable. Craig didn't have a reason for his depression or his suicidal thoughts. they just happened. A lot of times, when I settled into a depression, I have no clue why I'm feeling so down or upset. I don't know what set it off. It doesn't makes sense. After he considered suicide, he did something about it. A lot of people experience this kind of thing and then do nothing about it. He, on the other hand, realized that what was happening wasn't good and called someone. He went to the hospital. He realized what would happen if he continued down this path, but instead of letting that happen, he did something to change his way. That made me so proud of him. The sad thing is that the author himself ended his life just recently. It shows that we can know how to save ourselves, we can have the tools right in front of us...but unless we do something with those tools...we have little to no shot. I also love this book because it really portrays that people with mental illness are lives too. They have stories. They have dreams. They can be funny. They have lives too.

if you haven't read this book, do it. please.

finally, the book that made cry the most to this day is probably After. Oh oh oh. I know I blogged about this book last year, but when it comes to jerking out my tears, it surely takes the proverbial cake. I just want to give Devon a big hug. Along with making me sob like a baby, it raises a lot of heart-breaking questions. Why do people choose to unsee what's ugly in their lives? Who is to blame in that huge mess? Was Devon right to plead guilty? Why do "bad" things happen to "good" people?

this book gives me a bunch of feels, okay?

once again, the unreliable narrator strikes again. I must have a weakness for them. I guess there's a reason why Matt is my favourite main character I've ever written. That kiddo is so screwed around by his grief and hurt that he truly believes the world hates him. I definitely have a soft-spot for him adn those like him. My little sweethearts.

Do books make you cry too, or am I just a big softie now? Do you crave strong yet unreliable narrators like I do? Do the feels give you as much pain as they do me?

have a good weekend, you wonderful people!!

  • currently enjoying: throne of glass ~ echosmith ~ ink pens ~ sleep ~ spending hours at the library ~chocolate icing and gluten free pretzels ~ the freaking sky

Sunday, September 20, 2015

week by week #8 // not so much a failure

I'm a big work in progress, yeah?

a year ago, the biggest thing I took away from my summer was to not just barely get by. I didn't want to be proud of just doing what I had to do and being stuck there.

right now, that's where I'm at again. And as much as I want to mentally beat myself up about my supposed "failures," I have to keep telling myself that I'm not as screwed up as I could be. And honestly--I can be proud of just getting by. I'm not laying on a couch, reluctant to do anything. I'm surviving. And if just getting by is my version of living right now, I'm going to deal with the suckiness and push through it until I'm doing better. That's my goal right now.

I have no clue if that made any sense whatsoever to you guys. Sorry if it didn't, but that's what's been flowing through my mind this whole weekend.

As you all probably noticed, I didn't blog between recaps. Not for want or trying. I wrote like three different blog posts, but by the time I finished, I was so exhausted I couldn't even try to edit them or anything. I just went to bed.

I'm going to be better this week, but no promises. It's going to be a busy couple of days.

but I get to see twenty one pilots with my favourite people, so it's all good, right?

throwback to the last time <3

my recaps these days are super boring. I apologize. But once again, when you do nothing but sleep, eat, and do homework, there's not a lot to talk about.

I'm reading Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock again right now, and the feels will get me yet. I've also started Me Being Me is Exactly as Insane as You Being You, by Todd Hasklowy, and although the format is taking some getting used to, I approve of this Darren kid and his lists. I like it enough that you guys should check it out. I have a book-list post for Tuesday, hopefully, so that's even more books for you guys to investigate, but these books all have a theme and it's awesome. I really enjoyed writing it.

Good to You just came on Spotify. Thanks, music, I didn't need emotions right now. I've got stuff to do. Scram.

This video made me laugh. A lot. I was having a really rough day on Friday, and this was one of the many things that brought a smile back to my face.

I really love my friends, okay? I may not have a ton, and they may not be the people I assumed would be my buddies, but I am so blessed to know and love the people in my life. Whether they send me encouraging words, make me smile because of crazy hashtags, or just make my heart happy when they walk in the room, I cannot thank God enough for putting them in my life. Once again, I am so blessed. has been hard. I'm already ready to be done. My family and I are talking about whether it's a good idea to keep on attending or to move back home. Right now, I want to either take a semester off or take online classes, but we're giving it time and prayer. I'm just praying that I'll make it through the semester without relapsing. I'm doing so much better health-wise, but fibromyalgia and stress do not work together. And I'm stressed.

boy am I stressed.
my babies understand my stress

I think after this is done I'm going to make some paleo hot chocolate mix. I've been craving a cozy sweater and a mug of something chocolatey, but because of the whole dairy thing it's been a little tough. I did discover that my school's cafe uses soy milk, so I can get some of the drinks there. Yay for little rays of sunshine and chai tea!
sweater goals

have a slice of my Pinterest!

love you all, and I hope you have a spectacular weekend!!!

Sunday, September 13, 2015

week by week #7 // essay, please kill me now

I'm supposed to be finishing my essay right now. as you obviously can tell, I'm not doing so. I haven't reached that level of multitasking. I am writing this while watching Scrubs while sleeping with my eyes closed, but whatevs. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

and that's why I'm gonna force myself to finish that freaking essay once I get done writing this. Or maybe after taking a nap.

guys. It's September. Finally. I've worn my flannels basically 24/7 this week and I'm loving it. Ready for my fingerless gloves to arrive because the cold is messing with my hands, but I deal with extra long sweaters. And it's time for warm drinks and apple cider and oatmeal and tater tots...

oh wait. tater tots are all seasons, all the time, all day. I love me some tater tots.

Also, chai tea is life right now.

I'm surrounded by textbooks and papers right now; I'm trying to get ahead in homework, and it's very much the struggle. Hence the essay. Eww. My brain is just very tired right now; homework and classes are destroying me from the inside out. I'm just hoping that I'll continue making time to blog and sleep. Basically the priorities of my life right now. Oh, and my reading time is my blessed free time. But I do spend a lot of time napping while reading so I don't know if it counts...

I did read a lot last week. The Winner Curse, Vengeance Road, Throne of Glass (review coming!!), Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie, and I'm getting ready to start on Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock because I'm a glutton for punishment and want to drown my already drowning self in feels.

Music-wise, I made it a goal of mine to listen to more Christian radio...I turn it on while I'm getting ready in the morning, and it's just the pick me up I need to start my day. Echosmith is also a great thing, and Day6 is a new rookie group that I LOVE.

I'm really struggling with this, guys. I don't do anything that interesting this week. My days go: wake up, go to class, eat, go to more classes, eat, go to the dorm, read/do homework, and then sleep. Rinse and repeat. The biggest highlight of my week? I had to time and energy to bake when I got home.

oh yeah! baking! I made paleo fudge brownies from scratch, which were AMAZING, and this afternoon I'm making cornbread waffles so I can make sandwichs. I really really love baking, guys. makes me wish I had a stove so I could cook more often.

I'd really appreciate prayers right now. For once, my health isn't the thing that's causing uproar in my life. I'm in the process of making some big choices, and I'm not really sure where to go with it all. I know God's got my back, but it's still scary to be out there and not sure where you're supposed to be going.

I'm really loving my Restoration History class, though. It's late in the day, and I'm exhausted, but the professor is adorable and makes me laugh, and has a lot of great stories since he's lived through some of what he's teaching--and he gets his clicker mixed up with his car keys and he's basically just the best. I wish I wasn't so tired during it though. I usually end up writing future blogposts during that class because otherwise I will fall asleep.

What am I doing in this coming week? We have a quiz coming up, which is exciting, because it'll be my first quiz as an official assistant coach, and I will get to see my best friends and it'll be something normal. I crave normal. I might go and see the Scorch Trials, if only I could go see it with someone. I'm not big on seeing movies by myself...but this one I will see solo if I have to. I'm ready for more Dylan O'Brien in my life. My reading schedule is like this: Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock, The Winner's Crime, Crown of Midnight, and Made You Up. Think I can get through that many in a week?

Yes. Because reading is how I relieve stress these days.

and there is a whole lot of stress going on right now.

you could even say...I'm stressed out.

I leave now.