Saturday, October 31, 2015

take over


it smells like pumpkins in here. I think my author's gone off the deep end with orange foods, because that's basically all she can eat right now. lovely. 

whatever. I don't care what she's doing (that concerns me a little bit that she's crying over pictures of Korean singers in white suits chokers? what? and she says my obsession with Halsey is off-the-wall.) today, I'm taking over this blog, because it's the last day before she takes over my life.


I haven't been up to much this past month. basically chilling with my homies (actually not my homies. my friends. that word sucks. don't ever call me your homie) and being force-fed bacon maple donuts by Colt and Riley.

Who is Riley, you're probably wondering. well, you see, we've had a bit of an identity crisis over the past month. one of Ely's characters just didn't feel like herself any more. She'd grown up a lot since her "birth" (okay, to be honest, this is me paraphrasing my author's excuses...they don't make much sense, do they? also--"birth"? really?) so we suddenly had to make a change. 

and my author ended up naming my friend--not homie--after her annoying dog. 

yeah. not really sure what to think about that one.

so yeah. Sam is no more. Riley has taken her place. they're basically the same person, but with little tweaks and changes. Also, her name changed. but that's a little more obvious. 

so tomorrow it all begins, right? I'm dreading it and expecting great things from it at the same time. funny how that is. I hope it's the last night I'll having to go through the writing process, but you never know. this could be the first draft to end all edits and rewrites...or I could have to go through 10 more metamorphoses until my ultimate form (that makes me sound like some sort of Pokemon...) 

the writing process is stressful. It feels like my hair is being slowly yanked from my body over the period of several months. My insides get all scrambled, and I rearrange myself multiple times. I grow, regress, and become a different person without even realizing it. Sometimes it's like I can't breathe. And every time we go through it, all the memories get dredged up from the back of my mind again.

yeah...that's the part that I can't stand.

but it's part of what makes me me. I would be a limp jellyfish with no personality and no emotional issues. who wants that in a story? not me. 

so I guess it's worth it.

I trust my author. She's a little weird (*sticks head into the next room* yup. she's still sobbing about the Korean guys...) but I appreciate her. Some days I even love her. She's been through everything with me--every rewrite, every time I have a breakdown, every time she's breaking down but doesn't want to abandon me--she's the real MVP. I don't know what I'd do without her.

so this is my note to her, before the beginning of the end, in hopes that she'll make it through.

you're one weird chick. Colt told me to call you a chick. He says that chicks dig that. I told him he's an idiot. still, however weird you are, no matter how emotional you are over Korean boy bands, no matter how much of a screw up you think you are, I'm proud to be your character. I don't think I could've made it through this with anyone but you. to be quite literal, I would be a completely different person. and as screwed up as I am, I'm proud of who you've made me. I know we're nowhere near the final page--in fact, we've been there before and found it lacking. I'm glad you keep going. I hope you keep on going. I hope you never stop.
please just don't give up. Not just this month, where we're doing the heavy work, but for the rest of the life. never give up on that spark inside of you, no matter how much you distrust it. 
I'll stick you, even when it gets rough. just please stick with me.
I don't know what I would do if you didn't finish my story. 
so do it, or I'm going to restrict your internet privileges and there will be no more Korean boy bands. so there. 

Matty (Colt wrote that. I'm Matthew. Not Matty. But he's insistent since you call me your baby or something.)

well, that was a very anti-climatic takeover. I hope all of you who are doing the month of torment as well have no writer's block, no nagging plot bunnies, and no out of character characters (you might think I'm writer because I know so much about writing...nope. Ely just talks her brain out to me about everything. lovely.) wish me luck as I undergo another transformation.

maybe it won't be so painful this time. 

maybe we can finally make sense of it all now. 

happy Halloween, you guys. welcome to the end. 

this blogpost was very seriously taken over by Matthew North, who is a literal stick in the mud (shut up Colt).
(also, my author spent half of this post nagging me about gifs and pictures and stuff. I am not about that ish. here's a picture of me. and that's all you get. weirdos. )

hahahahaha suckers. I am also not about that picture life

Friday, October 30, 2015

hiatus has broken

*pops out of hiding with a pumpkin on my head*

hey, y'all! guess who's not all weirded out on drugs anymore! yay for pain meds kicking with little to no side-effects! I was so stressed about turning into a vegetable again--and not being able to drive anywhere--or turning into a constantly hungry beast or I dunno, blowing up. luckily, the worst thing about these meds is that they seem to amplify my seasonal allergies? I spent most of the weekend sneezing repeatedly, until I realized I'd stopped taking my allergy meds. Stupid Ely.
you and your forgetfulness, woman

let's just say I'm very happy with my pain-free state. this is the closest I've felt to "normal" since August, probably. granted, I have even more food that I can't eat right now, because we're trying to eliminate the problem instead of just treating the symptoms, but that also has a little piece of sunshine to it.

I can eat dairy again.

I got "tested", and I didn't react to it like we thought. Which I am totally thrilled about. I've been having MnMs in very small portions spread out over several days, since we don't want to completely shock my system with a bunch of dairy (because my autoimmune system is basically a frazzled cat who snarls at everything it comes into contact with), but let me tell you: it's been amazing. I'm excited for the day when I can have sour cream again.

I'm basically crying over food 24/7 because there is literally nothing I can eat besides meat, veggies, and eggs, rice, corn, or milk (in large amounts) for me right now.

I get excited by simple stuff, okay?

enough about my health. this next month, I'm really hoping things will settle down and I won't have to be constantly updating you guys about my condition. I want to focus completely on NaNoWriMo and my great characters (see what I did there?)

I'll take my bad puns and leave

I can't believe NaNo starts in two days. I got some prep done while I was taking my week off, but I still hardly feel ready. It's a little scary, especially since I'm taking this NaNo very seriously (last few years, I had some major issues putting my inner editor away). Hopefully I'll be able to get my goals accomplished.
basically me all this november. gotta get that writing done

Also, look at this beautiful song. Just listen to it. Just this song makes me want to write an epic novel (and basically all of the Tokyo Ghoul story too, but whatevs). Consider this a sneak-peak of my anime post that will be coming in the next week or so.

speaking of upcoming posts, November is a big month. Not only am I three posts away from 200 (two now, I guess), I will also reach 20,000 views SOON, which is very exciting. I've also had some major snippet posts in the works since I decided to do NaNo; we'll be going back and looking at some of my old babies and past NaNo projects. And I'll be updating you guys about my progress, of course.

*has a private dance party of one to Mansae*

what did you guys get up to while I was gone? any new books or bands in your life, or did anything awkward happen? (come, tell me your story, I'll have a cringe attack with you).

 I hope you guys had a fantastic week, and I can't wait to spend November with y'all!  

I was going to find a relevant gif but then I found this and he is basically all that I aspire to be. That hair.

Friday, October 23, 2015

not me

when you swing your feet out of bed, you wonder--is that really me? 
your toes look miles away and unfamiliar, as if while you lay flat on your back staring at the ceiling with exhausted eyes, someone sneaked in and left you with a stranger's feet. 
you sit there, rocking back and forth with indecision. should you stand up and let the heavens waltz around your pounding head, or should you curl up in the fetal position for just a little longer, in the hopes that you'll actually fall asleep?
 there is no better evil. 
both options suck.
the room is dark, except for the lamp in the corner, which sends lightning flashes of pain from the back of your eye socket to the very centre of your skull, and if you let your eyes go out of focus, it's something like a're not actually sitting in your sisters bed. you're asleep. you feel nothing.
that is true though. you do feel nothing.
and yet you feel everything at the same time.
stand up. stand up. your mind is slipping down dark corners. if you let it fall any further you won't get it back, and then you'll be stuck with a stranger in your mind too. 
so you stand up. 
the world shifts to the left and then back again. 
the carpet scratches at your skin and you can feel every fiber underfoot. 
you take a deep breath and move. 
the first step is the scariest. you know you can make it, but there's little bit of uncertainty that your knees will buckle, that they will finally snap like they've been threatening to do for so so long, and then you won't be able to move at all. that thought alone makes your skin physically itch. you hate that. you hate being a vegetable so much.
that's why you're here, in this place. you chose this. and you're not quite sure if you can handle it yet.
but you will. you will be able to. not by yourself, but with Him. 

{hello, my lovely blog friends! I hope you enjoyed this little snapshot into my head earlier today, because it may be the only thing I post on this blog for a few days. yesterday, I was experiencing so much pain that we started the meds that we've been avoiding all semester because of the side effects. so far, the drugs are helping some (they're the kind that build up as you go, so the fact that they're relieving some of the pain already is very encouraging); however, I am very much a potato. I'm very drowsy and have a hard time putting writing together (ahhhhh I better adjust to these by NaNo or I may be screwed), so I am taking a mini-hiatus this next week. so no week recap unless I feel amazing (or it may come on Wednesday because rebellion), no TBR review (even though I was going to review Unwind yesterday...wouldn't that have been great? emotionally and physically in pain. perfection), and no anime post that I was brewing up. just kidding. I mainly just wanted an excuse to watch absurd amounts of anime. if I suddenly find sleep and clarity, I will try and post somethings, but as of right now, welcome to hiatus.

which honestly isn't that much different from this week because I hardly posted at all but whatevs.

(confession: I spend too much time on Pinterest.)

*cries because this is my life*

hope you all have a fantastic weekend and upcoming week. <3 } 

(have a VIXX song on your way out. it's a classic and also the first VIXX song I ever learned to sing by memory and it's basically perfect. except for the hair. except N. that red hair tho.
oooookay I should probably go sleep or something.)

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

there are no jumpscares in this post: a movie review

to be quite honest I love jump scares. I'd like to be all macho and tough and not freak out every time one happens, but I do jump and scream. I do this in COD4 when I turn around and someone standing there watching me. I shriek and do that girl thing with my hands. I don't like it, but  I really can't control it.

I did it this while watching the Scorch Trials. Cranks, being basically zombies, are great for jumpscares. And the weird thing is--I love the rush that comes from the scare. I haven't watched that many horror movies, but I do know I'm not a fan of the scary supernatural...but I don't think zombies bug me. After the biggest jumpscare, I felt like I could run a mile. The adrenaline makes me feel a lot better, pain-wise. It gives me something to think about. Weird. I find it hilarious that normal every day things like ordering food or making small talk give me anxiety, but zombies don't scare me.

but we do know that I'm not going to last very long in a zombie apocalypse. that requires little things like being able to run and eat whatever food you can get your hands on. not gonna last that one.


wow. that was a sidetrack and a half. this was supposed to be a review of the Scorch Trials. I have a feeling we're not going to get back on track.

I'll try anyways.

moooooving on....

I saw this movie late. I liked the first movie a lot--and not just because of Dylan O'Brien. This was the first seriously suspenseful movie I'd ever watched, and I loved it.

I have a confession to make. I don't like the Maze Runner books. I read the first one. I didn't hate it. I just got lost a lot and was very confused. Maybe it was the gluten-fog, maybe not. I don't know. I do know that I didn't even make it through the Scorch Trials. I got about halfway through and was done with it. My dad actually finished it, and he said it confused him as well. Plus he hates zombies.

guess who I dragged along to see the movie? oh yeah. I wasn't the only one jumping.

I'd heard mixed reviews about this movie. some people loved it; others couldn't get past the discrepancies between it and the book. since I hadn't read the book, I can't judge it according to what it goofed up or what it kept, but from my opinion, it was pretty good. especially for a sequel. sequels have rough luck, because they're that bridge between the exciting beginning and the exciting's wobbling between to the two and unless it can support itself, it's going to flop. and I don't think the Scorch Trials flopped.

as I'd never seen a zombie movie (because Warm Bodies doesn't count), this was an adventure. there were jumpscares aplenty, and as I have already said, I loved it. most of the time I don't jump, but this one got me several times. I also love the anticipation of the coming threat. the Cranks themselves weren't too nasty looking--they'd definitely seen better days. the ironic part was that I didn't really get scared when the Cranks were doing their thing, but when Brenda fell on the window and couldn't get up and the glass was was that stressful. it cracks me up that I can't handle that but zombies be no problem.

i will make all the scarf jokes...

also, Newt was as sassy as ever. Thomas Sangster was spot-on for this character, and I love how he's one of the funniest characters without hardly ever cracking a smile (in completely unrelated news, I can't unsee Ki Hong Lee as anything but Dong from Unbreakable Kimmy Schimdt or from  his Wong Fu Production videos.)

I do have one bone to pick with this movie. personally, I have no issue with language in movies, music, or books. now, this being said, I do have a limit--and the Scorch Trials had a favourite word. It was uttered about every other scene, and at first, I just shrugged. it doesn't bother me. but as the movie progressed and it was hissed out every time anything stressful happened, I started to roll my eyes. there is such a thing as using language tastefully to portray the pressure or the severity of the threat, but when you overuse the just seems cheesy. kind of like you're trying too hard.

just like Thomas Sangster, I am so so so happy they chose Dylan O'Brien for the role of Thomas. Spot on. now that I watch Teen Wolf, it's especially fun to look at the differences between Stiles and Thomas. since I'm not heavily invested in the written character of Thomas, I can't accurately judge Dylan's portrayal of him, but from what I've read and what I know about the character, I think he does a splendiferous job. Can't wait for the Death Cure. And more Teen Wolf.

as I said, dad went with me, albeit a little unwillingly. (he was so sweet--I said we could go see the Martian if he didn't want to see the Scorch Trials, but he said he wanted to see it since I wanted to see it.) to his surprise, he liked it a lot more than the book. in his paraphrased words: "the book was confusing. it bounced all over the place and a some of the subject matter was uncomfortable to read, let alone watch. the movie trimmed things down and it made it make more sense." and then he tried to ruin the Death Cure for me but I made him stop. :P

overall, I really enjoyed this movie--not enough to go see it again, but I'll definitely buy it when it comes out on DVD.

and finally, to the person who brought their six year old to see this movie...I judged you. the whole two hours. that poor kid.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

week by week #11 // much reading, much driving

I feel like I've been everywhere this week, which I know is a crazy statement for little boring me to make.

but it's kinda sorta true.

wednesday I went to visit my brother and his family, which was a two hour drive. I got baby giggles, ice cream, and sibling time out of it, but that was the longest I've ever driven since I got really sick. it was kinda a big deal. yeah, when I got home on Thursday I was a giant mess of pain, but I did it. and it was totally worth it. yesterday, after going to KC for a Bible Quizzing events, I'm significantly more tired and in pain, so I think I'll avoid long car trips for a few days, but I was still proud of myself for going and not sobbing on the floor like a two year old (which is what I felt like doing...)

when I wasn't gallivanting all over the place I was either in my room or at the library. the library has become my get out of the house and be somewhat social go to. yeah, I know a library isn't like going to a party or something, but libraries are right up my alley and it's not just because of the books. large amounts of people have always given me anxiety. I've gotten a lot better, but when I'm tired or not feeling well, I tend to be more uptight. the library is perfect because it's got people, but they're not all headed the same place at once. they're spread out. and for goodness' sake, it's quiet. that's my favourite part. I can just take my book or my laptop and sit and I don't feel like my head is going to explode (yes, that is what sensory overload does to sucks...) so yeah. I spent about four hours there on Friday and it was glorious.

I wrote some this week, but mostly focused on storyboarding and editing. fun stuff. not really. but kinda. I'm loving the middle sequence of my novel a lot more now, because that was the weakest part in the first draft. the dialogue and the character development was lovely, but the plot limped along. I'm glad to have found an answer to that problem.

as you all know, I love reading about mental illness. correction: I love reading well-written and accurate books about mental illness. I've read about five books dealing with that subject in the last two or three weeks...and I have a confession to make. as much as I love it, I needed a break. so when I holed away in the library, I found some contemporary fluffy books to read.

confession: I am not above reading chick lit. judge me as you will.

the first book I read thinking it was a fluffy read turned out to anything but--and it dealt with mental health issues. I can't escape it! Say What You Will focuses on the stories of Amy, who aspires to be normal but her cerebral palsy holds her back, and Matt, who suffers from OCD and denies it vehemently. Overall, the whole book was a roller coaster of emotions and miscommunication and was very similar to being a soap opera... (especially with *highlight spoiler* the baby plot line...okay, I get that was what was supposed to bring the two of them back together, even if it wasn't Matt's baby, but it was just kind of weird and very forced in my opinion).

still, even though it had flaws, I appreciated the honesty of the book. I mentioned in my The Rest of Us Just Live Here review that I appreciate accurate portrayals of obsessive compulsive disorders and not OCD being made into a social fad or joke (it kills me that I used to jokingly call my sister's orderliness OCD. *facepalms in the general direction of younger me*). Matt's problems are not watered down at all. His thought patterns hurt too. you see the brutality of this disorder in everything that he does...and then you see that over time, with a lot of help and strength and patience, it can get better. it's not a simple and easy cure, and it may never go away, but it has that possibility. and I love how they showed that. Especially the scene with Matt and Taylor. he knew it would cause another worry, another compulsion...but he was strong enough to do it.

yikes that was long. the other two books I read in my "recover from my emotions being torn to pieces by books about sad kids" phase were very meh, and I didn't expect them to be anything but. actually, that's a lie. I hoped that What I Thought Was True would be better, because I really loved My Life Next Door, both of which are written by Huntley Fitzpatrick, but sadly it was all over the place and I didn't understand the protagonist at all. I honestly forgot her name halfway through the book, and I don't think it was because of the fibro fog.

the second book has the worst title ever, because I don't think it accurately portrays what the book is about, and The Fill-In Boyfriend just sounds awkward and cheesy. honestly, I liked this book, despite its many cliches and tropes. Gia is so focused on keeping her perfect image in front of her crowd of friends that when her boyfriend breaks up with her right before prom, she asks the guy waiting for his sister in the parking lot to be her fake boyfriend. the lie tangles into a huge mess, and before long, Gia's image is falling apart...and the weird thing is that she's okay with it. although it's a plot that I'm very familiar with, the perfect family with the perfect daughter with the perfect life embracing her uniqueness and expressing her emotions instead of bottling them away is always a story I love. I don't know why. maybe I just appreciate people living as individuals who make mistakes and own up to them instead of trying to achieve this impossible standard of "normality."

needless to say, I think I'm all filled up on girly books for a week or two. depending how many books make me emotionally drained.

I found out last night that I won an ARC of I Crawl Through It, by A.S. King. so there will be emotions. many emotions.

music-wise, I'm still extremely in love with BTS, and I'm a little stressed because they're supposed to come back soon and their management company has been extremely quiet on the matter... but basically if I want a dance party, I turn on Bangtan Boys and life is good again. also, this song has been constantly playing (which I'll talk more about below...)

I have a problem. I admit it. you all probably know that I love kdramas. if you know me very well, you probably know that You're Beautiful was one of my first dramas ever and it starts my long love for Jang Keun Suk and Park Shin Hye (and don't even get me started on Hongki. I love Hongki so much. seriously. watch Modern Farmer. actually don't. unless you're prepared for weirdness.)

but recently I discovered a Taiwanese drama that reminded me so much of You're Beautiful in all of its cheesy, awkward glory that I basically watched half of the show in one night. yes, I have a problem. but it cracks me up and sends me back to the good old days of drama--but without having to deal with rotten camera quality. despite being very cheesy and veeeeeeery trope-filled, it's a beautifully shot show. much better than You're Beautiful in that regard.

part of the reason why I got so invested in this show is because I am in the middle of watching Sassy Go Go, which is proving to be more emotionally investing than I originally thought. episode 4 basically made me cry, and that's very impressive for a kdrama to do that do me. I recommend this one highly--but just fyi, trigger warning. Self-harm, suicide, and depression are topics that are very important in this show and one students suicide attempt is shown in episode 2. It's not dark or sad to the level that I feel drained after every episode (*eyes Angry Mom tearfully*), but it's such an even mixture of happy and sad and cute and emotional that I can't get enough of it. and it has some very good actors. seriously. here's a link to watch it.  (clicky. you know you want to.) you will not regret it.

what's my plan for the upcoming week?
  • read. read. read.
  • get outside in nature before the ice comes. *shivers*
  • nano prep
  • go visit my school friends
  • finally write my review of the Scorch Trials
  • try not to cry over Sassy Go Go
  • and maybe do some painting. I haven't painted in forever. that needs to change.
what are you guys planning on doing this week?

Thursday, October 15, 2015

the rest of us just live here // october TBR


just wow.

I didn't go into this book expecting anything but a wonderful read by Patrick Ness. I knew it was about the "ordinary" people of life, instead of the extraordinary heroes that always seem to be our protagonist. And I knew it had something to do with mountain lions.

I didn't expect this book at all.

the indie kids, huh? you've got them at your school, too. that group with the cool-geek haircuts and the thrift shop clothes and names from the fifties. nice enough, never mean, but always the ones who end up being the chosen one when the vampires come calling or when the alien queen needs the source of all light or something. they're too cool to ever, ever do anything like go to prom or listen to music other than jazz while reading poetry.  they've always got some story going on that they're heroes of. the rest of us just have to live here, hovering around the edges, left out of it all, for the most part.
having said that, the indie kids do die a lot. which must suck.

...confession time. I like the UK version better... 

if I wasn't already going to read this book because it was by Patrick Ness, that back-cover would cinch the deal.

(*aside* it is very hard to right this with my adorable baby niece across the room. this book was awesome but she's even more awesome.) 

In all my years of reading, I'd never seriously thought from an innocent bystanders perspective. I mean, when something crazy happens, I thought "I wonder the outside observers thought of that..." but never their whole story. never that they'd be aware of what was going on around them. never that they'd have other, more important issues on their minds.

saaaay wuuuuuut

this book made me aware of Mikey and Mel and Henna and Jared and their perfectly ordinary world, where the things that threaten them are more personal and close to home than the Immortals descending or a zombie deer apocalypse--though those things still take place. they worry about whether or not Mike and Mel's parents will actually care about them this year, or about the fact that Henna's going to Africa in the middle of a civil war, or that Jared's dad is running for Congress and his mom is the goddess of cats.

that's a bit more on the side of extraordinary, but whatevs.

there are also cats. lots of cats.

each kid has personal problems as well. Henna's lost a family member, Jared's gay, and Mel and Mike deal with their parents' neglect in their own harmful ways. they have to figure out how to come to terms with these issues, all while not being indie kids and avoiding the weird glowing lights.

basically, if you want a mental image of this book, think average nobodies plopped down in the middle of Nightvale with minimal explanation.

what I really love about this book was that not a lot of things actually happened--not huge, earth-shaking drama. It was the ordinary things of life--getting into college, telling the girl you like how you feel, taking your little sister to a concert...and I guess that's kind of the point. Each of these characters were so normal it felt like I could be living next to them and not even know it, but they all had parts to them--parent issues, mental illness, being a quarter god and having a bunch of cats following you Dr. Luther says, "Everybody has something."

also, this.

this book isn't exciting. it's not got a lot of "umph" to its storyline, but the characters are made of up of strong personalities and broken dreams. And it has an unreliable narrator, so of course I love it. I actually didn't love Mikey all that much, mostly because it's always weird to read a book about someone with the same name as a family member (and even weirder to read about someone with your own name), but I did love Mel. I understood her distrust of everything and how freaking hard it is some days. And even though I didn't love Mikey the most, I did love the way his rituals and patterns were accurately portrayed. they can be painful to read, especially if you struggle with similar issues, but it's a very good presentation of someone who has an obsessive compulsive disorder.

A lot of times obsessive disorders can me simplified or dramatized, but the reality is: they suck. you're trapped in a never ending cycle of perfection, because if you mess up one detail, you're a failure and you have to start all over again. And the worst part is when you're aware of what you're doing. You're totally aware that you should stop. but you can't.

As a Patrick Ness book, the rest of us just live here did not disappoint. as a book about mental illness and being "nothing special" and struggling through life, it definitely connected with me. I give a strong 4 out of 5, and I'd give it more if it was longer. seriously. I got to know the characters, but I didn't feel like I got a chance to know them.

definitely one for you guys to put on your TBR lists!