Friday, January 31, 2014

mismatched socks

say you're sorry
just say anything
i don't care
i don't know how
we got here
and by that i mean to say
that i am here
and you are far
far away
i miss you
more than you could ever know
i'm sorry
i don't know why
but i am
one of us has come to the 
breaking point
and it isn't you
if you and i were ever close
sister-like un-sisters
just say something

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

"I don't know how I know, I just know that I know, you know?"

why is it that every time I sit down to blog, all the ideas I've had nibbling around my mind just magically disappear? Explain that to me.

*sigh* it's one of the many unanswered mysteries of life, I guess. Right up there with "Why do people actually like Peeps?" and "How the heck do Tyler Joseph and T.O.P rap so freaking fast?" I guess I'll never know.

You can't really call what I have writer's block. Oh, I can write. I have been writing. It's just the wrong kind of writing. Essays? You bet. Poetry analysis? We can do that. But ask me to blog? Journal? Just plain write?

my face, pretty much.
Nope. Nada. Not even happening.

I suppose I'm a fortunate person...I haven't officially had a block on my writing for a while now. I was able to grind out at least a chapters worth in on a slow week, and even more on weeks when I could feel inspiration flowing. I've almost forgotten what this terrible disease--yes, disease--feels like.

tis very frustrating.

But on the bright side, while my writing has been out of the comission, I've been able to read a bit more--though I'm almost regretting my current book choice. Please, fluffy Christian teen novel, couldn't you have a warning label? Something along the lines of: "If saccharine sweetness turns your stomach, beware..." Yeah...I'll go back to my Death Note and Ender's Shadow, thank you very much.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Souzimiya, VIXX MTV Diary, and Sherlock have been keeping me company over the past week. I really appreciate the amount of laughter with which they have provided me.

Also, the thing that has managed to give me the most feels today? The Fault in Our Stars trailer came out today. Need I say more?

I've also been able to get a LOT of school done in the past few days. I never want to hear mention of postulates, theorems, and hypotheses ever again. If I have to conjugate yet another Korean verb, I may cry. And please please PLEASE do not ask me to go hunting for symbolic references in someone elses beautiful writing. It just isn't worth it.

The sad truth is that I'm getting bored of just having my characters walk and talk around in my mind. It's getting crowded up in there, but I just can't get their actions out onto the page. Everything I write seems to be mechanic and forced.

Guess the only thing to do is to be patient and wait for the faucet to be turned back on.

Monday, January 27, 2014

for all of the things I'm not

some days, I'm just really thankful for my friends.

I'm thankful that they appreciate my sarcasm.

I'm thankful that they listen to me.

I'm thankful that they tell me that I'm being an idiot and I should shut up.

I'm thankful that they bear with my eccentricities.

I'm thankful for the days when they understand that it's not that I don't want to talk, it's that I just can't.

I'm thankful that they will freak out with me--both over things that they like and don't like.

I'm thankful that they'll burst into song right along with me.

I'm thankful that they'll hug me when I need it, even when I won't admit that that's what I crave.

I'm thankful for the stupidest inside jokes.

I'm thankful for the hours of laughter, tears, and meaningful conversations that they've given me over the years.

I'm thankful for the littlest things that they do for me.

even if I can't say these things with my voice, I'm thinking it in my heart. And I wish they knew how much I am thankful for the very fact that they exist in my life.

I'm just really thankful.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

'this world is rotten'

Light Yagami, on the surface, is your ordinary high school student, trying hard to get into a good college and please his family with his grades. However, behind locked doors and heavy secrets, Light is so much more than just a student. You might even say that he is a student of death.

To put it plainly, Light Yagami is a murderer.

L is a man of the shadows. No one knows his true name, only few people have ever seen his real face. Like a spider, he sits in the dark and watches, waiting for a case to come and fascinate him. But the mysterious case of Kira and the tidal wade of 'righteous murders' sweeping across Japan is nothing like he's ever seen before.

To find and finish Kira, L will have to step out of the darkness, and into the light (no pun intended).

This is the basic premise of the manga/anime series by Tsugumi Ohba, entitled Death Note. There's muuuuuuuch more detail--concerning Shinigami, Light's father, and the Death Note itself--but for now, this is enough to get you by.

Yesterday, when I made my weekly stop at the library, I was delighted to see that they had the first few volumes of Death Note on the shelves--a rare occurance, as they are rather popular. I'd never read the manga before--as I usually like anime better (there is something seriously mind-boggling about reading a book backwards, I'm telling ya. Come on, Japan, quit messing with my brain. It hurts....) so I was very excited to start reading this series. Light, L, and Ryuk are some of my favorite people in the anime world, and it was great to revisit them.

Death Note is an interesting experience. Not everyone will like it (as per most things, but bear with me here...) My sister, who is more of a shoujo fan than me, wouldn't be able to make it through this series. My older brother, on the other hand, would love it, I imagine. If you have an analytical mind, enjoy dry humor, or just like to dissect things, this manga/anime is for you.

Why? Because the questions "What is good? What is evil? What is right? What is wrong?" are constantly being asked. Because there is no real hero in the story.

Is Light, the teenager who was given the Death Note, the hero? He says repeatedly, 'the world is rotten.' He sees that there are so many evil things done in the world, and he wants to use the Death Note to create a clean earth. Sounds good, right?

Of course, his way of  going about and creating this utopia is to kill those people who are dirtying the earth. Not so good.

L? Is he our hero? Some people may say he is, but in my humble opinion, I think not. L is after Kira, merely because Kira is inexplicably killing criminals that he's never met before. He wants to stop the killing, but only because stopping the killing means stopping Kira, and stopping Kira means finding Kira and his secrets. L is fighting, because he can't stand being out-witted.

 L is not a hero. L is as human and as flawed as Light is.

Maybe Ryuk is the hero we're looking for...

...yeah...that was a bit of a shot in the dark there...

Books that force me to think fascinate me. As a Christian, I know there is a distinct "dark" and "light" in the world. I know that mass murder is the not the way to create a utopia. I know the right thing to do when someone is going around killing people who may or may not deserve it. But with the way Death Note is presented, I'm allowed to mull over things.

 I understand why Light is doing what he's doing.
 I understand why Kira has such a huge following, encouraging him and his "righteous" wrath.
 I understand why L is playing this giant game with Kira, Light, and Ryuk.
 I don't accept all these views, but I'm allowed to step into their shoes and explore their thoughts.

Like I said earlier, Death Note is an interesting experience. I doubt that I will ever tire of it.

(by the way, if you're at all intrigued by this, I encourage you to check it out. Not only are the premise and the plot fascinating, but the humor is very dry and hilarious, in contrast to the rest of the show. L is literally the funniest person in creation--all while keeping a straight face.)

Monday, January 20, 2014

that's the sound when the rock hits

my name is mekana.

i am a very weird person.

a long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was first introduced to TFK via my darling older sister (darling meaning my favorite minion).

now just who is whose minion????

be husheded. I'm the one talking right now.

Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted, I heard this song maybe 4 years ago. That's just a rough guestimate, I can't remember how long ago it was. Regardless, I thought this kind of music was weird! I had never really listened to anything like this before, and quite honestly, I disliked it. But, as it happens when you share a room with someone who has a different taste than you in pretty much everything, it started to grow on me.

well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons...

 E for Extinction became one of my favorite songs, not just of TFK's music, but over all. I think what first grabbed my attention in this song was the later part of the chorus. Making up stories in my head is something I enjoyed (and still enjoy) and when I hear that part I think it sounds like a story is somewhere in there, waiting to be written. Something about camouflage and standing in the shadows while waiting for whatever they had been created and living for sounded exciting and mysterious.

Normally when I like a song, I will listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over and... Well, you get the idea. But eventually I would get sick of it and move onto another song. E for Extinction kept coming back. I would get sick of it, then after a couple of months rediscover it. And each time I started listening to it again, the reason I liked it changed a little. I still think it would make a good story sometime, but other parts also became my favorite.

I'm not the same as yesterday, it's hard to explain how things have changed, but I'm not the same as before.

This part really clicked with what I had begun noticing and thinking about. I had also never really thought of TFK as a Christian based band, but the implications of some of the lyrics became apparent to me recently.

We live for this and nothing more, we are what you created.

And that just made me love it more.

Honestly, I don't completely understand all of this song (sometimes I think parts of it are really weird and don't fit with the rest of the song) but the parts I do understand are more than enough to make it worth listening to. I think this song will continue to be one of my favorites for  a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.
 I hope you will enjoy it just as much. :)


Saturday, January 18, 2014


"You okay?"

I jumped as she sat down next to me. "Uh...yeah." Dolt.

"You seem kinda zoned out," she said, grinning. I rolled my eyes. "Just look at the snow!" The bench shook dangerously as she bounced up and down like a puppy. "It looks like Christmas!"

"In March? Yeah, right." I winced at my terse words, but she didn't seem to notice it. Kicking her feet back and forth, she said, "Are you sure you're really okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

Like a duck, she pursed her lips at me. "Your only friend pretty much told you that he can't stand you, and that you're a schizophrenic jerk. Nobody should feel okay after having to hear that."

Just with her words, a unintentional replay began: Colt's blazing eyes, his choked shouting, his tears...I didn't want to relive any of that. I wanted to blot it out, to delete it forever. But instead, it played on a constant loop inside my head--over and over and over...

She placed a mittened hand on my jeans and looked me in the eyes. "Don't let the robot part of you take control again, okay? I'm here to listen, even if Colt's not." She squeezed my knee gently.  "He's an idiot."

The back of my throat constricted, like a torture victim stretched out on a rack. I blinked furiously, trying to focus on the gently falling snowstorm, but the flakes kept turning blurry and melting before my eyes.  All it took to undo me now was one simple action and three broken words. When had that happened?

I bit my lip until I thought the skin would break, then gathered my courage and looked her straight in the snowstorm of her eyes. I opened my mouth and--

She was crying.

"Wha--" I recoiled--I had not expected this. Had I done something wrong? "Umm...Sam? What-" Just shut up. Talking won't make anything better. Let her get control.

I guess Colt rubbed off on me more than I'd realized. 

She swiped angrily at her face, avoiding looking at me like I had the plague. "Why are you the strong one?" she muttered. "Why can't I be this strong?"

I almost laughed

"Me? Strong?" I tried to smile at her. "I don't know what planet you're living on right now, but I'd like to come visit someday, alien girl."

"Don't be smart, Matt," she said, overwhelmingly serious. "You stand on your own. You take control. You don't lose it all when something terrible happens." The tears began to fall again. "I've never known anyone as strong as you."

I watched her wipe her tears away, embarrassed that I could see her emotions in such a raw and physical way...and yet, not embarrassed at the same time, because this was right. Things were slipping into place, gears began clicking together, and I knew that this was supposed to be happening, right here, right now. This was natural.

Hesitantly at first, then bravely as my courage bolstered, I wrapped an arm around her shaking shoulders and squeezed tightly, like I had seen Colt do to so many girls so many different times. "I used to think being weak was a bad thing," I said, my voice echoing across the empty parking lot. "But lately, I've realized that being too strong is the real weakness. Because--" here I took a deep breath "--because, when you're strong, you think you don't need anyone to stand by you. And that's the stupidest mistake I ever made."

The silent tears turned to heavy sobs. My throat tightened again.

"But you were wrong, earlier," I continued. "You said that I only had Colt as my friend." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I also have you, you know."

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

just keep reading, just keep reading...

so apparently, there's this term called 'shelfies' going around. Shelfies. Really?

Okay, so the name does make me giggle. A bit. I guess there's not much you can call else you can call a picture of your book collections. But still. A bit of creativity, please? Just a bit?

Yesterday was Monday, which usually means a music post. But unfortunately, I happen to have a bit of a sore throat/cold combo (which I am praying isn't strep throat...) and didn't do much of anything yesterday. I pretty much attempted to study and do school, slept, watched some of Season 3 Sherlock (AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!) and read all day.

You hear that, people? I read.

Do you know how long it's been since I sat down and read a book in a day? Ages. It took me months to finish Allegiant, and let's not even talk about the Dream Thieves (...well...actually, we are going to talk about them, here in a bit...) It felt amazing to curl up with my tea and a warm blanket and just read. I've really missed doing that. I intend to start doing it more often, if life permits.

Stargirl and its sequel Love, Stargirl are the two books I completed yesterday. I picked them up at the library on a whim, having heard that this author was fairly decent. It was definitely a good idea. I loved Leo's narration in the first book, introducing us all to the wild and free Stargirl. It was a really cute and sweet story of two high school kids, and it made me smile more than a few times. The second book was equally good--Stargirl's zany letter/diary narrative really drew me into the story. Once I picked it up, I didn't want to put it down (curse you, o book without actual chapter markings. why do you do this to me? it's not fair.) This morning, I handed the books to my sister, telling her to read them as soon as possible. Stargirl reminds me a lot of her--her randomness and unique way of thinking match Stargirl's in an uncanny way. (also, I think Mekana was excited to get such a cutesy book from me...usually my reading recommendations either gross her out or make her cry. Let's see how this one goes.)

Another book that I reread over the past week was Ender's Game. Still just as good the second time through. Still just as amazing after seeing the movie. Still giving me happy, tormented, wonderful feels. Still one of my all time favorite books. (feel threatened, Goliath. Ender's coming for you.) I really really cannot wait for the movie to come out on DVD. That is one movie that I will rewatch and rewatch and rewatch and never get tired of. Suuuuuuuuch a good story. If you have not read it, go get it and start reading. Now. If you don't...well, you and I will need to have a talk, then.

Ah, Dream Thieves, Dream Thieves. What do I have to say to you? I didn't think you could surpass the Raven Boys in weirdness. I was wrong. I was also wrong in assume that things would make more sense as the series progressed. Yeah...still just as confused. You really disappointed me in how much language you contained...really? Was all that necessary? I understand that the story revolved mainly around Ronan, who is renown for his...ahem...colorful language, but even so...that was part of the reason why it took so long for me to finish you. That and the whole Kavinsky thing. Yeah. He was definitely part of the reason why I almost threw the book across the room in frustration. But at least I finished you. And I'm still looking forward to Book 3 (albeit with a little trepidation in my eyes.)

 I read Monster a while ago, but I started rereading it today, and man...I still really like this book. Not only is it an interesting and fascinating book, but since it's written by a fellow blogger (check out her blog here ) it's encouraging to know that someone in a similar situation as myself has written and published a book like this. The moment I finished it, I rushed to my computer, determined to pound out my wordcount for the day. If she could do this and succeed, couldn't I? I fell in love with Mir and Eva and June and Pocky...I just can't say enough about Pocky. He makes me laugh. A lot.

Next on my reading list? Honestly, I don't know. My new copy of Ender's Shadow tempts me...but so does this mysterious book called the Daedalus Incident that my dad loaned me the other day. Or I could go back and reread one of the old classics--To Kill A Mockingbird? Leviathan? After the Dancing Days? Brisingr? *sigh* there are just too many choices...too many books to read, not enough time.

My blogging should return to schedule within the week, if this nastiness turns out to be something besides strep...but until then, hold your breath! (well, not literally. Because then you'd pass out. Passing out's not fun. So don't hold your breath. Just be patient. That's what I'm saying. But you already knew that. Okay. I'll shut up now.)

Until then, keep healthy, keep reading, and keep being awesome! Thank you all so much for your encouraging comments on my last post. They really made my day.

Oh, and on next Muzak Monday, we will be having a guest blogger! *wiggles eyebrows* now who might that be? 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

{snippets} the general and the heart

I slap a hand over his mouth. "Hush, babo. Did you drop your brain when you woke up this morning? Your words are all scrambled."
"I'm serious, Leyana," he says, pouting a little. "Da told me: the king rolled over and died, like a dog."
"You do not refer to the king as a dog," I reprimand.
He scratches behind his ear. "Wasn't his name Mongrel? Why can't I call him a dog? He's dead, anyhow."
"Mongra, you babo. King Mongra." I roll my eyes and brush his hair out of his face. "And it's disrespectful, that's why. Would you like me to call you a chicken everyday?"
"You call me 'babo' more than you say my real name."
"That's not the same."

 the Chroi
The moment he was near enough to shout at without waking the civilians, I shoved the keys toward his face. “Do you know why people use these?”
Colt turned into an unsuspecting and very stupid deer. “Huh?”
“To lock things,” I continued, not paying attention to him. “To keep their belongings safe. Definition of a key: a small piece of shaped metal with incisions cut to fit the wards—”
“Ok, I get you’re mad at me, dude…but cease with the dictionary, will you?” He took the keys from me. “Did I forget to lock the car? I do that sometimes.”
I scowled at him. “I don’t know, did you? The door only opened immediately after I pulled on it. I’d said that’s pretty unlocked.”

 the great ones and the general

“That’s right!” She hit her palm with a fist. “Twins—Matthew and Jonathan. You’re…Matthew, right?” she looked to Colt for confirmation. He barely moved as he nodded. “So where’s your brother?”
Where’s your brother, Matthew. Where’s Jonathan.
Game over.
 the great ones and the general 


"What do you mean the milk's soured? Usually milk doesn't sour in a time-frozen continuum."
 "Well, now it does." 
"Blast these humans and their clumsiness..."

the Chroi

 “Stop that,” he finally said.
I jumped, having thought he was asleep still. “Stop what?” I stammered.
“Caressing my car.” He pulled his jacket tight around him and leaned the seat back a little. “I feel like she’s cheating on me with you.”

 the great ones and the general

He elbowed me again. I was going to have to switch seats. That side was getting a bit tender, I realized with a wince. “Thanks,” he said, in typical Colt fashion.
I sighed. “For what?”
“For letting them stay with us until Brixton. It would’ve been Mongolian to send them back to a place where they wouldn’t be taken care of.”
“You know what I mean…”
“Umm, no, I don’t." I took a shot in the dark. "Barbarian?”
“Yeah, that.”

the great ones and the general

  Really, Leyana. You can do better than this. Lady Neenah would be ashamed of you.
I shake my head. No, Lady Neenah wouldn't be like that. She would smile at me sadly and tell me I did a good job, even if I didn't.
I would be the one ashamed of myself. 

 the Chroi 

I opened my mouth to correct his word misuse, but before I could even start, from the backseat, she said, “If your stomach was literally dying, you’d probably have stomach cancer. Which I doubt is the case.”
 Colt stared at me, mouth hanging open. “Dude. Did you tell her to say that?”
“No.” I didn’t know whether to feel amused or miffed that she’d stolen my line.

   the great ones and the general

"Den!" I hiss, yanking my skirts out from under me and dusting myself off. "What were you doing there?"
"Watching you," he says.
I smack him on the ear.
"Not like that," he grumbles, pulling away from me. "I was watching you cos you've been acting funny all day."
"Have not."
"Have too." He grins at me. "You dumped water all over your front when you were drawing from the well. You didn't blush when Michael Sweer said hello to you this afternoon. And you forgot to make me supper."
"Oh. Sorry about that. Michael said hello to me? When?" My heartbeat accelerates.
He winks at me. "I made that bit up."
I smack him again.
He rubs his ear, scowling up at me with a funny scrunch in his nose. "You really need to stop doing's getting to be a habit."

the Chroi

“You know,” she said with a smirk, “I think Matt has an attention disorder. Every time you and I get chatty, he turns into a smart alack.”
Colt laughed, and the truck swerved a little on the road. My knuckles whitened on the door handle. “Trust me,” he said, “he’s always a smart alack.”

 the great ones and the general
“You’ve got to quit being like this, Matthew. Jon’s gone. Your clamming up about him is not going to change anything. You can talk about it.”
“Correction,” I snapped, “you can talk about it. Obviously you weren’t as close as I thought you were. I’m his brother—the closest person to him. Ever. If you can talk about it like it’s already over and gone, fine. But don’t you dare think you can make me be like you. I haven’t forgotten yet. Not like you.” 

Monday, January 6, 2014

blending in so you won't even know me

it's been a long day.

a long weekend, actually.

life happened, plans changed, and we've bounced back slowly, steadily. I haven't felt this physically and emotionally tired in a long time...not to mention the fact that I feel a bit like I'm living on Hoth, what with all the snow and ice and in general COLDNESS going on here.

I love winter, people. I'll be the first person to admit it. But when I say winter, I don't usually mean -4 degree Fahrenheit. Brrrrrrrr....

actually, it being this cold has taken me back to when I was about 13 and, for some odd reason, I loved walking around outside when it was around 40 degrees--in my bare feet. I'd grab my poncho and mp3 player, and I'd walk the perimeter of our yard, lost in my own thoughts. The music varied, but typically I would listen to Relient K, Thousand Foot Krutch, some Red, and a lot of He Is We. (what can I say, it's like a guilty pleasure for me).

 Sometimes I'd plot out storylines, other times I'd day dream, and still other times I'd just sing along to the music under my breath.  I miss those days. Especially right now, when I get cold just thinking about going outside.

I've come to realize over my exhausting weekend that my headphones are my defense. I can see everything going on around me, but I'm excluded enough that the exposure doesn't wear on me as much. I'm alone in my mind, but I still am around the people I love and cherish.

music is the bridge. I can see the outside world, but once the music starts, I'm just an observer. And I'm okay with that.

because I want to be alone, but I don't ever want to feel lonely.

Friday, January 3, 2014


i have a star on my window
it grows every night
spreading its arms wide
sucking in the moonlight

sometimes i hear it whisper
"it's cold out tonight"
and its chilly voice
sends shivers down my spine

in the day
it's dull and tired
i don't see it shine
at all 

but when the sun goes down
the sparkle returns
like glass, it burns
the star on my window.