Thursday, December 31, 2015

looking back || 2015

a year ago, I was a very sicker person, a sadder person, a weaker person.

a year ago, I'd just stepped onto a road of chronic illness, finally admitted I had anxiety and was depressed, and was terrified of the future.

a year ago, I never thought I'd be able to say this.

I can't wait for more.

yes, luke, I do believe I am

2015 was a hard year. I think everybody can say this, and if that's not the case for you, I'm both impressed and happy for you.  but just because it was hard doesn't mean it was bad. parts of it sucked, and to be very honest I don't want to relive this year, just saying, but I learned a lot. I grew a lot.

and I think I'm ready to face 2016 with more strength and maturity than I did with 2015.

so what exactly went down in 2015? this year happened so fast it was almost a blur. I know a lot happened, but I don't remember a lot. blaming that on the brain fog and the fact that I didn't keep a journal at all this year. need to change that in 2016.

-- I started college
-- I made new friends
-- I discovered my love for teen wolf, decorating/cleanliness, and Bangtan Boys
-- I got my smile back
-- I got over my fear of needles
-- I started drawing again
-- my niece was born
-- I took my first airplane trip
-- I decided to pursue psychology
-- I dyed my hair purple
-- I got a cat
-- I fell in love with A. S. King's and Neil Shusterman's writing
-- I watched my first R rated movie
-- I started attending a new church
-- I learned to listen to my body
-- min yoongi entered my life and made me smile when I didn't have a lot to smile about

-- I left the same college
-- and I lost some old friends too
-- I gave up a lot of my favourite things for my health
-- along with that, I realized just how emotionally attached I was to food
-- I stopped writing
-- I gave up my sleeping patterns because of the cat (but it was worth it)
-- my cell phone died. :|
-- I gave up every hope of ever being healthy again
-- but I also gave up the passive thought that my disease controls me

-- twenty one pilots happened again, and it blew my mind just like it did last time
-- I cried a lot
-- I smile a lot too
-- I discovered that just because you're in pain doesn't mean you're weak
-- I strengthened internet friendships
-- so many dance parties happened
-- coming home after school broke my heart but it also made me whole again
-- on some days, spending time with family is more important than recharging
-- just because someone is treating you like crap doesn't mean you can treat them the same way.
-- I read a lot
-- I wrote some.
-- I think that counts as some significant growth to be very honest
-- I fell back in love with who I am as a person, if that makes any sense

what are some of your beginnings, endings, and/or growths for this year? I pray this year passed as quickly for you as it did for me--and that it didn't weigh as heavily. And even if it did, I hope you learned from it all. that's the biggest thing I learned this year, I think: you don't understand why you're going through it all up close. you see better from a distance--and that's important to remember in the moment. it might not make sense now, but later it will.

I love you all, and I'm so glad I got to spend this ride of a year with you! here's to 2015, and the promise of 2016. *raises imaginary capri sun*

see you next year!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

week by week #12 // there and back again

(I'm semi-copying Katie Grace's format from her Currently // December post because I love it)

currently || reading

this week I found my way back to the library. surprisingly, not that many grabbed my interest, so my reading list this past week was small. I read Starbird Murphy and the World Outside in a day or so, mostly because it was such a strange book and when people are brainwashed in books, I kinda like to get to the end to see if they make it out okay--that way I'm not anxious on their behalf. It wasn't a favourite of mine, but it wasn't terrible. I just couldn't relate to Starbird that well--I loved her friends tho.

I'm in the middle of reading Promise of Shadows right now, which is a book that I meant to read a long time ago...I just forgot to pick it up. Zephyr Mourning is a harpy who got thrown into Tartarus after doing the impossible--killing an Exalted. War is brewing in the mortal realm, and the gods are pressuring Zephyr to tell them how she killed the god who murdered her sister, but she has no idea why. By luck, she escapes the Underworld--but on the way out she runs into an old friend. And that's how far I've read. So far, I like this book a lot. The characters are interesting, the lore and mythology is well-written and not boring, and the suspense is building. I enjoy the character of Zephyr quite a bit, because she's the Ugly Duckling. She's the Harpy who doesn't fit in. One things I do wish was written differently was her backstory/powers. I think it would've added to the story if that had been shared later on, adding to the mystery and confusion of it all, but I suppose if Zephyr really is the Nyx it was a necessary piece of information. either way, I really like this book so far! (and Blue gives me Yukine feels. don't judge me.)

currently || listening

I'm in love. I have a new favourite playlist. (no, I'm not over BTS and probably won't be for a while...) on Spotify, there's a playlist called Evening K-Acoustics that is basically my jam right now. it's super chill, but not slow enough to put you to sleep. I've discovered several new favourite bands through this playlists--Standing Egg being one of them. I heard about this group in a drama I think and kinda laughed at their name, but I never seriously listened to the music. Now I wish I had, because I really enjoy their sound. I'm also listening to 10cm and FT Island a bit more now.

outside of kpop, I started listening to Marianas Trench again. The new album somehow slipped by me, which is ironic since they were my love this summer, but I think I still like the older stuff best. makes for good dance parties and closet cleaning sessions, as well as Misterwives. I will ALWAYS jam out to Our Own House. ALWAYS.

other than that, I'm still listening to Hamilton. Also some piano music while I sleep, because it's super relaxing. And drowns out the sound of my cat doing gymnastics across the room.
you evil fluff you

currently || watching

noragami aragotooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! too soon? I think not. If I could I would fangirl about Noragami in every blog post. Thankfully, my self-control is strong. I hope. we're drawing near the end of season 2 and that both excites me and scares me. the character development has been incredible this past season, and I'm crossing my fingers so hard for season three. I mean, the manga isn't why should the anime be? (also give some love to my poor son Yukine he's been through a lot this season and needs to be loved).

house has been a thing lately. and by thing I mean I watch one or two episodes before bed. I stopped watching while I was at school, mostly because House was beginning to grate on me and I was not loving the new cast, but now I'm glad I started watching again. also loving the character development in this show. I'm a little scared tho--I'm on season 7 and there's only one more season after that...

reply 1988 is giving me too many feels. I didn't expect anything but from this series, but still. It's quickly surpassing reply 1997 on my list of favourites. I don't know whether it's the depth of the story, the perfect cast (even Hyeri, who I was a little unsure about when they cast her), or the slapstick humor of it all. I would like to pick a bone with the hour and a half long episodes (the last one was almost two hours long...) I don't mind a good show, but when it takes me four days just to watch one episode...I have a little issue. It's Reply 1988 tho, so I guess it's worth it.

Taek is also my son and needs love~~~

currently || excited about

SCHOOL!!!! yes, ladies and gents, your friendly neighborhood blogger and spoonie got into a school! after many ups and downs concerning ACT scores, incorrect email addresses, and disappearing transcripts, I got accepted to an online school and I couldn't be happier. I'm talking with my advisor tomorrow about which class to take--we're getting into the school thing slowly to make sure I don't overwork myself. the holidays are definitely taxing my health, which sucks, but it's been nice having things to do. yeah, I still watch a bunch of tv, but I also makes meals and clean the house and go to therapy and run errands. I'm actually kind of like half a person now!

food is a battle, especially since I've been on my diet for almost three months now. I'm not craving what I can't eat as much any more, but I am getting very bored of eating the same things over and over. I am loving my go to breakfast these days, which is an apple cut up in bite sized pieces, granola, and almond milk poured over the top. today i even put a few strawberries in the mix and it was delicious. I can't take credit for this genius, however, because that has to go to the genius Jeon Jongkook himself.

also this makes me laugh every time I see it

okay, this is silly, but I am very excited about my closet. ever since we moved, my closet was kind of a hazardous waste zone. it was constantly messy, had a bunch of boxes and assorted stuff from the move, and my clothing was a disaster (seriously. when you've been the same size since you were thirteen you have a very strange variety of clothes). this week, I cleaned out all the clothes that I don't wear any more, moved my dresser around, organized my remaining clothes by color and style, and CLEARED THE FLOOR. what boxes I couldn't get rid of went on shelves. It looks amazing. Getting up every morning is amazing because my closet is so clean and I can find everything without going crazy.

can you believe Christmas is in five days? it still seems like Halloween was two days ago. I am proud to say I have all but two of my presents ready and wrapped, but since I won't be able to give those until January probably, it doesn't really matter. I am so jazzed for Christmas this year, because it'll be my niece's first Christmas and it will also be my first Christmas where I feel healthy. Last Christmas was very hard, but this year is looking a lot better. I also made my goal of reading the Bible in a year (by the skin of my teeth, lol), and now I'm reading over the Nativity as Christmas gets closer.


I just realized that 2016 is like 11 days away.


this year happened too fast.

what have you guys been up to lately? any new music or books that you're loving? what are you excited about in the coming days?

see you soon!!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

that anime post

if you know me at all, you are probably aware that I love anime. I've been into anime longer than I've been into kpop, which blows my mind to be honest. It all started when I got my wisdom teeth removed and watched Death Note, Clannad, and the Disappearance of Haruhi Suzushima over the period of like five days.


that was absurd. i know.

I had watched FMA:B and Ouran before that, but those were the only shows I knew and I wasn't too interested in anything else. Obviously, that changed.  After my mouth healed I had a new perspective on life. I had to watch all the animes.

And to this day, I still love finding new, good anime.

but this isn't your average anime post. because, once again, if you know me, you know my love of music.

like, I really REALLY love music.

I looooooooooooooooove music.

anime typically starts with an intro song, has a beautiful soundtrack, and then ends with an outro. now, some shows don't  follow this cookie cutter, but a lot of them do. And if you're like me and tend to binge watch anime, you probably have several intros/outros memorized. And if you're not like me, who tends to try and sing Japanese words but ends up singing in Korean gibberish, you might like singing along with every intro. Or maybe you're a spoilsport and like to skip past the awesomeness to get to the actual show.

everybody got time for unravel

I'm judging you, fyi.

also, let's not talk about OHSHC because that is one intro I would like to purge from my memory... (just kidding I secretly love it but it also makes me cringe so I don't know where we stand). 

I got bored one day and decided to go down memory lane with some of my favourite songs, and that's how this post got started. here are several of my favourite intros/ well as some good recommendations!

| Noragami |

this song is my jam. Noragami is also my jam. Coincidentally as I write this, I'm watching anime. Do yourself a favour: don't watch this unless you want emotions about a god of war, a girl with a cat tail and love for wrestling, and a precious marshmallow fluff of a little boy name Yukine. he is too precious for this world.

yes, I am desperately waiting for the next episode of Noragami Aragoto (the follow up season). I am not okay.

this is how I feel after every episodes.

| Tokyo Ghoul |

okay. this one is complicated. I love this show. I love the concept, I love the characters, I love the music. however, it's about ghouls. to be specific, flesh-eating ghouls. who do the flesh eating in very graphic ways. the censor over the blood sometimes covers half the screen. it's pretty intense, and the storyline is dark dark dark.

but I love it.

tokyo ghoul is not a show for the weak of heart. I only watch it when I'm in a specific mood, because it's a tough show to watch. it's got a lot of good things, though, so when I do choose to watch it, it kind of outweighs the dark. sometimes. sometimes it's just dark.

but this song though.

| Free! | 

these two songs were a huge part of my summer. I avoided watching Free! for a long time, because there was a lot of hype about it, but I'm glad I did. It's a happy (read here: angsty underneath the illusion of happiness) little show with swimming, good music, and if you don't want to hug Nagisa, you're lying.

the second song is from Free! Eternal Summer, which I haven't finished yet, mostly because I went back to school and the show also got angsty (read here: even more angsty) as all get out. but I still love this song with a passion...the first part is the best though.

| Aoharu x Kikanjuu |

this is a weird one. the intro is really great and has a nice message. double thumbs up. however, the plot of this anime is basically that of OHSHC...but with paintball. Literally. Girl pretends to be boy. Girl is indebted to good looking blond man (who coincidentally also works at a host club). Girl must redeem herself by working for blond man. Sound a little familiar?

I don't remember how I found this strange little show. I think I was just scrolling through the anime section on Hulu. To be completely honest, it's not that exciting. They play competitive paintball and want to be the best in Japan. Big whoop. But I really love the characters and the little details in the plot that help you come to love them. Also, I'm still waiting for that 13th episode or an OVA because you can't finish a show like that. You just can't. It's not allowed.

| Durarara!! |

you like confusing? here's a confusing show just for you. seriously, every plot you can think of--shoved into two glorious seasons. why glorious? because, like Aoharu x Kikanjuu,the characters are fantastic. And even though the plots and many many subplots are confusing, it pulls off confusing very well. As long as you can keep track of everything, you're golden.

Also, Izaya. And irish mythology in anime. And people who throw refridgerators at each other.

| Noragami Aragoto |

ha you thought I was done raving over my favourite show?? in your dreams.

Noragami Aragoto's intro is okay. It's not bad, it's not great, it's just somewhere in between. I really love the outro though--it's kind of like therapy after a twenty minute ride of emotions. So chirpy and fun. I usually don't stick around for outros, but since we get either a preview or another scene after the outro ends...I actually listened and liked it a lot.

(all eng sub copies of this are blocked... *sighs*)

| Ao Haru Ride |

my shoujo loving heart is happy any time this song comes on. Ao Haru Ride, or Blue Spring Ride, is a cute little story about a girl running into her middle school crush and finding out he's DEFINITELY become a different person while they were separated. They still remain friends, and she ends up understanding just what made him change. Very cute, very beautiful animation-wise, and character-wise it's just lovely. the intro makes me want to hop on a bike and ride until I find sunshine somewhere. *glares at the December skies*

also, this is an anime that I will gladly take another season of. Just saying.

| My Little Monster |

okay. you guys know I love Noragami. I discovered Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun in the same week as Noragami and watched it just as fast. I love it just about as much, even though they're very different. It's a shoujo, about a girl who does nothing but studying  until she ends up making friends by accident, all because of one socially awkward individual. I love it so much. Shizuku is such a robot, and Haru is the opposite. It's also a very beautiful anime, coloring and background wise, and it just makes me happy. out of all the anime I've watched, this and Noragami were the first that made me buy the books. I have about five of each series and am collecting them as they are published (I'm behind on Tonari though).  

there are many many more anime openings  that I love and cherish (we didn't even talk about FMA:B's opening which gives me so much life and I'm not gonna bring up Hetalia because I could talk for another year about that stupid show), but these are a few of my jams. and this also proves that I am a huge nerd. but seriously--these are some stellar shows and you should tell check them out (and tell me which ones you like the best!)

I really. REALLY. love Hetalia

do you have any anime favourites (songs/shows)? or if you're not into anime, what tv show openings do you love? 

hope you all have a great weekend!!!


Thursday, December 17, 2015

these little talks

"I don't like salad or eye contact."
Riley leaned her elbows on the picnic table and smirked. My stomach twisted, and not in a nice way. Seeing her smile so blissfully only made me feel guilty for breaking down on her the other day. "You wanna know a secret?" she whispered conspiratorially. "Puppies actually kind of scare me."
"I find macaroni and cheese oddly poetic."
"Have you talked to your therapist about that? Because that's beyond weird. That's absurd."
I sighed. "I thought this was supposed to be an exercise in me trusting people. Other than Colt."
"Does Colt know about your fixation on macaroni and cheese?" She took my hand. "Has he told you how weird it is?"
"Ok. Still stuck on that. Fine." I leaned away, crossing my arms. "Would you like to know about my relationships with other foods or is it just the fact that's mac and cheese that bothers you?" I knew it was a bad idea to agree to this. But she'd asked so nicely and Colt's eyes dragged so deep. And I was so tired.
I needed someone else to talk to you. Besides myself.

A heavy summer breeze brushed by the two of us, fluttering my shirt and Riley's hair. The leaning willow sheltered us from the sun, but the thick June heat wrapped me in a tight grip and wouldn't let me escape. Not even inside. Which was where I wanted to be right then.
Ri watched me through narrowed eyes, like a cat plotting world domination. Which, I was learning, was her default mode. "What do you want to talk about then?" She rubbed her fingers absent-mindedly up and down her bare arm. "Global warming, politics, Colt's obsession with Japanese cartoons?"
I closed my eyes. "Anything that doesn't hurt."
She paused. "So not the brother."
The word shot out of me like a bullet. My stomach lurched again. Anything but that.

"Okay." She bit her bottom lip. Her nose crinkled, and for half a second, she looked like a rabbit from one of Colt's stupid cartoons. "Tell me...about how you got that scar on your chin."
My hand flew to my chin, which was rough with the stubble I forgot to shave that morning. I frowned. "What scar?"
"Here." She tapped the side of my jaw, and I flinched. "You don't remember getting it?"
"No." I looked down at my hands, picking at the scab on my knuckle. "Is it that a bad thing?"
She thought it was a bad thing. Because she clearly thought I was faking.
This meeting was such a bad idea.
"Listen." I grabbed my bag and stood, knocking my knee against the table as I did. "I've gotta go. The General needs me...for something." I bit back a curse, both at the sharp pain and my idiocy.
She raised her dark, out of place eyebrows. "Something? Like what, walking his alligator?"
I swallowed. "Maybe?" It wouldn't be the first time, but she didn't need to know that.
"Or maybe you're avoiding this talk." This time she was the one leaning back and crossing her arms.
"No." I bit my lip. I didn't want this, but I didn't want her angry at me. I didn't like life when Riley was mad at me. "I...I just don't know how to talk."

She blinked rapidly. "Is this not talking?"
"This is playful banter. This is goofing off. None of it is serious." I rubbed my forehead and groaned. "I don't know how to talk."
"Are there italics or something to help me understand the context because I'm not really getting it." I wished her sass wasn't so easy to play off. I wished she could just listen for once.
Then I realized that she needed this just as much as I did.
To Ri, life was a constant front. She kept her mouth running to keep the illusion alive. If she kept talking, she could convince herself that everything was fine.
And everything wasn't.

"I don't know how to tell people I love them. I can't look people in the eyes--unless it's Colt." Or Shi. Or you. "I get angry but for the wrong reasons. I can talk about how much I love macaroni and cheese but I can't even tell my therapist I can barely eat these days. It's like there's a tap on my emotions or words or something and it keeps me from being normal. Is it the root of everything? I don't know. I just know it's not right." I took a deep breath. "It scares me. And...and I want to learn. To talk. To actually talk."

My words finally dried up. Red heat crept up my neck to my cheeks and ears, and I looked away from the girl at the table. Coward Matt wanted to run. Robot Matt wanted to laugh it all off and tell her I was just pulling her leg.
This version of Matt didn't have a clue what he was supposed to do next.
At last, she stood up, forcing her way into my line of vision. No smile curved her face. There wasn't even a spark of humor in her eyes.
I'd never seen her like this.

"Matt?" She took my hand, her fingers oddly cool against mine. I was definitely favouring Coward Matt's plan of attack now. "I think you just did it."
Only because I was tired of talking to walls and losing myself again and again. Only because I was so desperate the words flooded out. "But what do I do now?" Where did I go from here?
She shrugged. "I don't know." Then she squeezed my hand slightly. "But I think we'll figure it out."
She didn't understand. She didn't want to listen. She couldn't hear the urgency in my voice, the fact that I was running out of time, because she didn't want to face it.
But maybe she was right. Maybe we would figure it out in time and everything could go back to normal and I'd be a normal person again.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

what you missed // november favourites

a month is a long time to be away.

like I said, I spent most of time wasting time on the internet (because when you have no responsibilities apart from going to therapy and feeding your cat, why would you?). however, in that month, I also read, watched tv, and listened to music. and slept.

but I was already in the sleep fandom, so I guess that's nothing new.

here are a few of things that I fell in love with in November! enjoy!

// bangtan boys //

wait, says you, you've always been in love with these guys. we know this too much, especially from the gifs you use.


well, this affection for bangtan soyeondumb isn't gonna change any time soon, just fyi. if I need a jam, it's BTS. if I need to laugh, it's BTS. if I need to some meaningful lyrics, it's BTS. they make me laugh a lot, and they got their first win with Run yesterday. so very proud of them. now if they could just rest for a little bit...

here is my recent favourite song and also my three favourite Bangtan Bombs. be forewarned: idiots ahead.

aaaaand one more for the road...

// bone gap //

I wrote a blog post on this book that I'm going to post within the next two weeks, but I wanted to mention it because I really liked this weird book. I didn't know anything about the plot and honestly it didn't interest me that much, but I'd seen good things about it on the internet, so I checked it out. it surprised me. not gonna go into much detail, but it's probably one of my favourite books of 2015. Weird, poetic, and a little on the sassy side.

// hamilton //

this is a new obsession for me. I blame it on Faith. since she's a newly minted theater kid (and I couldn't be more proud of her for that), she's talked non-stop about this musical. my favourite musical of all time was and always has been Wicked, but Hamilton took over #1 about three days ago. the songs are catchy, the rapping (yes, rapping) is on point, and it's freaking historical. Wanna know what my other favourite musical is? 1776. Yup. I'm a nerd. but seriously. Hamilton is the bomb. just be aware if you go check it out--there is a reason why it's labelled explicit. still--hilarious and amazing.

// iZombie //

my brother texted me ages ago saying "hey, thanks for recommending iZombie to us; really loving it!" to which I responded with "ummm...have I been recommending tv-shows that I don't watch in my sleep?" it turned out it was different Elizabeth that recommended it to him, but he suggested I check it out any way. It took me a month, but I did. Boy-howdy. As always, I've never really been a zombie person. just didn't grab my interest. but this show is interesting.

a work-obsessed medical student get scratched at a lake party and winds up in a body bag, hungry for brains. she has to work around the whole albino, can't hardly bleed, tastebuds don't work unless hot sauce is involved thing--plus the fact that she goes into full on ragey zombie mode if she doesn't consume human brains. so she gets a job as an ME, eating brains and searching for a cure with her boss Ravi. what she doesn't expect is the fact that she gets the memories of the people she eats. this makes her an excellent detective.

it's a little on the gruesome side, but the plot is enjoyable, and I like that it's more than just a zombie show. it's mystery, slice of (zombie) life, and take over the world  all wrapped into one.

// cooking //

 you guys know me. I love to cook. since my dietary needs have adjusted a tiiiiiiiiiiiny little bit, cooking has been a little depressing as of late. I could hardly bear to walk into the kitchen. when I first went off of rice, eggs, and corn, I think I cried at every meal for about a week. it sucked.

these days, however, I make most of my own food. for breakfast, I experiment with different ways to eat oatmeal and buckwheat porridge. I also eat a lot of fruit and bacon, which I'm really okay with. lunch, I typically eat something involving jalapenos. usually fajitas or chili. and for suppers I work with my mom to find something the whole family will enjoy. it can be tough, and I really can't eat out much any more, but it's getting better. and the promising thing is that there's potential that I won't always have to eat like this. that's my goal--to be better enough to eat like a somewhat normal person.

// starglass //

 this book was intriguing. I picked up and said "ooh! sci-fi!" and checked it out. what I didn't expect to find was a sci-fi with a worldbuilding so detailed that it blew my mind...almost completely contained in one spaceship.

this book is built off of Jewish history/lore? I don't really know how to describe it, but it's beautifully woven together. at first, the main character grated on me, but as the story grew and the depth of the world (and the book) exploded in my face, I liked it more and more. I also liked how much it kept me guessing. there were several plot twists/details that I figured out ahead of time, but a lot of them surprised me. definitely would recommend--I need to read the next book tho!

// sekret //
wow. telepathics. World War II. intrigue. mystery. scrubbers. sadness. much sadness.

this is another book I recommend--i'm reading the second one now and this book blows my mind with how creative of a concept it has. *see above statement of fragments* as with Starglass, the MC didn't really flow with me, but the story had me on the edge of my seat half the time. and that's worth reading a book where the character lowkey makes you want to bang your head against the wall. I also love the side characters--they made me feel more than Yulia did. 

what did you love about november? I'd love to hear any new books/movies/tv shows/music you discovered and fell in love with during this past month. and as always, more posts are on the way!

you guys: "wait. she saying the thing. the thing that made her disappear last time."

seriously tho. I mean it. not gonna disappear on you again. hopefully.