looking back || 2015

a year ago, I was a very sicker person, a sadder person, a weaker person.

a year ago, I'd just stepped onto a road of chronic illness, finally admitted I had anxiety and was depressed, and was terrified of the future.

a year ago, I never thought I'd be able to say this.

I can't wait for more.

yes, luke, I do believe I am

2015 was a hard year. I think everybody can say this, and if that's not the case for you, I'm both impressed and happy for you.  but just because it was hard doesn't mean it was bad. parts of it sucked, and to be very honest I don't want to relive this year, just saying, but I learned a lot. I grew a lot.

and I think I'm ready to face 2016 with more strength and maturity than I did with 2015.

so what exactly went down in 2015? this year happened so fast it was almost a blur. I know a lot happened, but I don't remember a lot. blaming that on the brain fog and the fact that I didn't keep a journal at all this year. need to change that in 2016.

-- I started college
-- I made new friends
-- I discovered my love for teen wolf, decorating/cleanliness, and Bangtan Boys
-- I got my smile back
-- I got over my fear of needles
-- I started drawing again
-- my niece was born
-- I took my first airplane trip
-- I decided to pursue psychology
-- I dyed my hair purple
-- I got a cat
-- I fell in love with A. S. King's and Neil Shusterman's writing
-- I watched my first R rated movie
-- I started attending a new church
-- I learned to listen to my body
-- min yoongi entered my life and made me smile when I didn't have a lot to smile about

-- I left the same college
-- and I lost some old friends too
-- I gave up a lot of my favourite things for my health
-- along with that, I realized just how emotionally attached I was to food
-- I stopped writing
-- I gave up my sleeping patterns because of the cat (but it was worth it)
-- my cell phone died. :|
-- I gave up every hope of ever being healthy again
-- but I also gave up the passive thought that my disease controls me

-- twenty one pilots happened again, and it blew my mind just like it did last time
-- I cried a lot
-- I smile a lot too
-- I discovered that just because you're in pain doesn't mean you're weak
-- I strengthened internet friendships
-- so many dance parties happened
-- coming home after school broke my heart but it also made me whole again
-- on some days, spending time with family is more important than recharging
-- just because someone is treating you like crap doesn't mean you can treat them the same way.
-- I read a lot
-- I wrote some.
-- I think that counts as some significant growth to be very honest
-- I fell back in love with who I am as a person, if that makes any sense

what are some of your beginnings, endings, and/or growths for this year? I pray this year passed as quickly for you as it did for me--and that it didn't weigh as heavily. And even if it did, I hope you learned from it all. that's the biggest thing I learned this year, I think: you don't understand why you're going through it all up close. you see better from a distance--and that's important to remember in the moment. it might not make sense now, but later it will.

I love you all, and I'm so glad I got to spend this ride of a year with you! here's to 2015, and the promise of 2016. *raises imaginary capri sun*

see you next year!


  1. this post was so cute. I love you. it seems like you did a lot this year. a lot of big changes. Im proud of you :)
    I hope next year is better.
    Heck, maybe I'll get my license and a car and drive all the way out to see you. (I can dream right?)

    I love you a lot. if I dont say that enough. Happy new year beautiful <3

    1. yesss and I will finally be well enough for longer car trips and come visit you (I can dream too XD)

      I love you too. so happy we're friends and that I have your lovely face and light in my life. <3

  2. It seems like you had a lot of positive things happen this year, I hope next year is even better for you. I moved away from home, and moved back. It took leaving to realize that my family is one the most important things in my life.
    Happy New Year!

    1. same, honestly. I moved to school and then came back and although I resented the lack of freedom and independence--especially the fact that I felt like a burden--I've come to realize how blessed I am to have such a loving and supportive family. wouldn't trade them for the world.
      Happy New Year to you too!!!

  3. I can't believe 2015 is all over but then again I'm kind of glad that it is. Fresh beginnings and all that jazz. :))

    I only got to know you better more recently but just from reading your posts before and then now talking with you... you're strong and gosh I'm jealous. :) But in the best way possible. You're amazing. <3 Keep on going and I'll be here to cheer you on and listen to you rant whenever you need ;)

    It's been great having somebody else (besides my sister) to gush with about Kpop things and someone who I know understands anxiety and all that lovely stuff. Here's to an amazing new year for both of us. <33 Happy New Year in advance!

    1. same...2015 happened so fast it blew my mind, but I'm glad 2016 is finally here. New year, clean slate. Ish. XD

      thank you!! I'm so glad we got to be closer in the past six months or so, because having a friend who gets me on so many different levels is amazing. I love that we enjoy music, writing, and reading and can talk about all of the above. ranting and future travelling buddies forever. :)

      happy new year, dear!!

  4. I love this! It was a rough year for me, too, and there was lots of tears and anxiety and depression that went on. A lot of it sucked. I wouldn't want to do it again. But like you said, I feel like I'm a better and more mature person now, and I'm ready to keep going. I'm so glad you had a year full of learning, and also super glad I found your blog because you're an awesome person and it makes me happy to read your posts/your tweets. xD (Also, if you ever need anyone to read that novel of yours...)

    1. ehehehe that would require me FINISHING that novel of mine because right now it's stuck in a rut of not edited messiness. Yeah. that's a goal for 2016 right there.

      I'm really glad I found your blog too! Your posts make me smile and I relate to a lot of what you say. Especially your MBTI posts. Love those so much. :)

  5. *hugs* This seems like a tough year for you. I had some rough spots this year, but it wasn't as rough as 2011 was. 2015 has been a big year for growth for me. I believe the majority of what's come out of it is good. My biggest struggles this year have been money and waiting though. Scraping to be able to do the things I want to do and waiting to hear back from publishers and agents. It's been a year of hardwork, but my writing has a grown a lot through it. I hope 2016 is a beautiful year for you!


  6. What a gorgeous and uplifting post. (Do I ever mention that I love your blog, Ely?)

    -- I think that counts as some significant growth to be very honest" --> This stretched such a massive smile across my face. Do not underestimate the power of all caps in a wholly lower case blog!!

    Honestly, I'm so proud of you for getting through this year and finishing your book and coming back to a place where you can stand up and say, truthfully, that you're happy. And one day you'll look back on 2015 and be able to see how God taught you and helped you through it.

    2016 is one month down. May the next eleven be very very awesome.

    1. oh my gosh...your comment made me laugh and smile and feel happy all at the same time. thank you muchly for this. <3


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