looking back || 2015

a year ago, I was a very sicker person, a sadder person, a weaker person.

a year ago, I'd just stepped onto a road of chronic illness, finally admitted I had anxiety and was depressed, and was terrified of the future.

a year ago, I never thought I'd be able to say this.

I can't wait for more.

yes, luke, I do believe I am

2015 was a hard year. I think everybody can say this, and if that's not the case for you, I'm both impressed and happy for you.  but just because it was hard doesn't mean it was bad. parts of it sucked, and to be very honest I don't want to relive this year, just saying, but I learned a lot. I grew a lot.

and I think I'm ready to face 2016 with more strength and maturity than I did with 2015.

so what exactly went down in 2015? this year happened so fast it was almost a blur. I know a lot happened, but I don't remember a lot. blaming that on the brain fog and the fact that I didn't keep a journal at all this year. need to change that in 2016.

-- I started college
-- I made new friends
-- I discovered my love for teen wolf, decorating/cleanliness, and Bangtan Boys
-- I got my smile back
-- I got over my fear of needles
-- I started drawing again
-- my niece was born
-- I took my first airplane trip

-- I decided to pursue psychology

-- I dyed my hair purple
-- I got a cat
-- I fell in love with A. S. King's and Neil Shusterman's writing
-- I watched my first R rated movie
-- I started attending a new church
-- I learned to listen to my body
-- min yoongi entered my life and made me smile when I didn't have a lot to smile about

-- I left the same college
-- and I lost some old friends too
-- I gave up a lot of my favourite things for my health
-- along with that, I realized just how emotionally attached I was to food
-- I stopped writing
-- I gave up my sleeping patterns because of the cat (but it was worth it)
-- my cell phone died. :|
-- I gave up every hope of ever being healthy again
-- but I also gave up the passive thought that my disease controls me

-- twenty one pilots happened again, and it blew my mind just like it did last time
-- I cried a lot
-- I smile a lot too
-- I discovered that just because you're in pain doesn't mean you're weak
-- I strengthened internet friendships
-- so many dance parties happened
-- coming home after school broke my heart but it also made me whole again
-- on some days, spending time with family is more important than recharging
-- just because someone is treating you like crap doesn't mean you can treat them the same way.
-- I read a lot
-- I wrote some.
-- just kidding. I FREAKING FINISHED THE GREAT ONES
-- I think that counts as some significant growth to be very honest
-- I fell back in love with who I am as a person, if that makes any sense

what are some of your beginnings, endings, and/or growths for this year? I pray this year passed as quickly for you as it did for me--and that it didn't weigh as heavily. And even if it did, I hope you learned from it all. that's the biggest thing I learned this year, I think: you don't understand why you're going through it all up close. you see better from a distance--and that's important to remember in the moment. it might not make sense now, but later it will.

I love you all, and I'm so glad I got to spend this ride of a year with you! here's to 2015, and the promise of 2016. *raises imaginary capri sun*

see you next year!