{how to live | this is the story of how I lived}

i'm so sorry.

this  blog kinda got left in the dust for a week and then some. and not for very valid reasons, I must say. In the past, I took unexplained hiatuses because of new meds screwing with my brain, creative block, homework and social life swamping me, emotional issues going on...even last year during NaNo I had a very good reason to go AWOL, and that was because my computer died, I got bedbugs, and was diagnosed with Celiac disease.

just a day in the life of me, y'know

the irony is that, since the post telling that unfortunate story was titled "this is the story of how I died," this post is called "this is the story of how I lived."

because, ladies and gentlemen, I am living.

and it's weirding the crap out of me.

I feel really good. Like, to the point that I almost can't recognize myself good. I'm happy--not 24/7, but a lot more than I was just a month ago. I have absurd amounts of energy. I can't sit on the couch all day and then need ten hours of sleep to keep me functioning as a human being. I have to get off my rear and work out or go into town or go on a walk.

literally me every day at 7am. I can't sleep much longer

and that's something I haven't needed to do in about a year.

when I left, I was in the middle of a HUGE diet change. I'm still eating veggies, meat, and fruit--and that's about it. I'm still taking the gabapentin, which means little to no pain at all. My doctor is very happy with my progress.

I kind of don't know what to do with myself.

Even my family notices the change. At the dinner table, I'm not this blob of pain and nausea. I have a sense of humor now--and to be honest, I'm probably more obnoxious now. (my sister and I have jam sessions to these BTS songs while cleaning the table and my family just sighs).

I actually have a personality now.

I swear this is me...I try to be cool but the real me comes out

Needless to say, these are all very good things. So why wasn't I posting as I was "recovering" like this, sharing the good news?

I honestly don't know. maybe it was because I wanted to focus on actually spending time with my family now.  maybe it was because I wanted to focus on nano (haha...yeah, we'll get to that). maybe it was because I didn't want to be blogging when I could be outside playing basketball (which I've done like three times a week this November and I am so happy about this).

deep down, I think it was because I needed to get to know myself again.

writing is hard. especially when you've been dealing with chronic pain. your brain is a crowded place to begin with, and when you're trying to squeeze words out onto the page, it doesn't always translate. every time I would sit down to write, my thoughts would scramble into something that just didn't feel right. and you know me, I like to be a perfectionist. it's futile, I know, but it makes me feel good on the inside.

anyways, I didn't blog because I was learning how to be myself again. I sketched lyric art a lot, something I loved to do before I couldn't hold pencils very well. like I said, I play basketball often. I go to the library or to Bible Study or to church (!!!! this summer I went months without going to church because I was so sick. I missed it a lot.) I enjoy waking up and not feeling like death. I got a cat (and finally named him Finn after him not having a name for two weeks because commitment issues), and I'm working on putting the finishing touches on my room. I'm to the point where I want to volunteer at the library or babysit for people or something.

I want to do things and not just spend a lot of time on the internet.

(not that I haven't been doing a ton of that...tumblr and kpop and I have been a lot closer these past two weeks...)

also i apologize for the amount of yoongi gifs. I kinda became min yoongi trash over the past month

I can also feel my creative brain coming back. I have post ideas. I am able to memorize things again (thank goodness!) and I've come up with some lovely plot bunnies as well.

unfortunately, a crucial part of nano fell smack dab in the time when I was figuring myself out the most.

and the flow got screwy.

you guys know I love the great ones. it's my baby. it means a lot to me, and I have a lot I want to say through it. unfortunately...it's hard to write what needs to be said when I'm so darn...happy all the time.

I got to 20k and my steam fizzled.

wait. that's not right. I still have steam. I have a lot of ideas and I'm working hard on editing even when I'm not writing. I just didn't have the right words for the great ones at that point in time.

So let it be said--NaNoWriMo 2015 is not meant for Ely and the great ones.

I'm still writing. I'm going to be blogging at least twice a week, and I'm expanding one of my ideas into a bigger thought (it's still in the pinterest stage, though). And as always, I'm thinking and dreaming about the great ones and the general, compiling all my ideas and hopes for this novel.

Who knows? maybe December will be the right time. but I do know that November sure wasn't.

and after much arguing with myself and conflict, I am okay with this.

so this is my official "your blogger who's been more than a little wonky over the past year and a half is finally coming back" notice. yay, welcome back me!!!!

*gives into the cat playing on my desk because he's adorable*

see y'all soon!

just kidding I love you all