Thursday, March 31, 2016

m a r c h \\ 2 0 1 6

how is it almost April? I feel like the past three months have been rushing by on double-speed without me noticing. not that I'm complaining. I've never been a fan of draggy months. still, it blows my mind that approximately 1/4 of the years has gone by.

what is this wizardry.

so what happened in march?

I talked about music and wrote a mini poem

I wrote two reviews--which I loved and one that was meh

I got emotional about min yoongi on his birthday (when am I not emotional about him is the real question)

I gave people feels with a great ones snippety thing

and I posted a belated beautiful people about my newest plot bunny

writing has kinda been intense lately. well, not this week, but while I was on break after first quarter? I wrote 17.5k in less than three weeks. for me that's an achievement. I haven't written that much in a short amount of time since last summer? when I finished the first draft of this monster of a book? yeah. it felt good. I also sent that chunk to my beta reader, Faith, and feedback is on its way. I'm both excited and terrified.

I'm also taking part in Camp NaNo! last minute decision, but hopefully I'll be able to work on the great ones as I continue with my two new classes. Maybe in a month I'll have more for betas to read. who knows...

it became really hard to NOT write plot bunny things this month. I don't know why. maybe because I was actually having ideas? but I forced myself just to write the ideas down in a place where I'll probably forget they exist for a later date. after I've finished this rewrite.

I didn't blog as much as I wanted to this month, but that was mostly by accident. I had a week where I didn't post any of the things I had pre-written. I just didn't feel like it. and that was okay. I spent a lot of time outside, writing and thinking. it felt good.

but I'm back now.

I've kind of moved into the library by accident. now that I've somewhat  fixed my sleep schedule and started school again, I've gotten really focused on getting out of the house. going outside and walking around our property is nice (especially with this weather), but going places and driving with the windows down and looking at strangers and wondering about their stories has been really good for me. I also get a lot more done at the library, where it's just me and my laptop and my textbooks. I feel a little weird binge-watching Parks and Recreation at the library. just saying.

this will probably be me this April

I got cleared to eat normal food again! I think I mentioned this before, but this month has been full of experimenting with foods and figuring out what works and what doesn't. so far, I've introduced every food except for corn. I've had no reaction that we can tell, other than getting really sleepy at mealtimes and feeling a little more bloated than normal. after a month of eating these new/old foods, I've decided that I actually really like eating healthy? like, we had chili yesterday and I didn't eat a single vegetable and felt like the world was ending. I was craving green peppers and spinach. it was very weird. but I think I'm going to stick to eating mainly meat and veggies and fruit, with a little eggs and rice every now and then. it's so weird that the diet I hated so very much at the beginning is something that I love now.

this month has been very rough on me anxiety-wise and I don't know why. I've just had a lot of ups and downs. things are looking up though, and I think being outside has really helped.

I didn't get to go places or see friends as much as I wanted to this month, but hopefully April will change that.

school! I got two weeks off, and now I'm back at it with Composition I and Art Appreciation. to my surprise, I'm actually liking Art Appreciation a lot more right now. mostly because I haven't had to write any papers yet. it's coming though... *looks anxiously at midterms in two weeks*

me every time my anxiety says I'm a failure for 85% and such

I've been playing basketball every other day. it's glorious.

I also did yoga for the first time in forever and I am very sore. every time I put on my backpack full of textbooks I want to scream. but it felt really good.

+ music +

as always they are my queens and I love them a lot.

these kids are weird and very new but very good. and did I mention the weirdness?

but they are very good dancers and can sing please give them all the love they deserve

kyle mcavoy + the 1975
these two are very good for homeworking or blogging or just writing in general

MY CHILDREN. this group is so young and so talented and I'm just really proud of them, gosh dang it

oh honey
forever my summer time jam music. can it be warm all the time already?

+ tv +

I got invested in this anime without meaning to. I think I watched the first seven episodes in two days? and then had to wait until new ones came out, which was torture. but it's a very pretty anime, with great animation and music and a unique plot. it made me sit on the edge of my seat and curious how things were going turn out. and that ending, man. I was very happy with how they wrapped everything up.

time-travel! walkie-talkies! lots of murder and sadness and me screaming at the tv screen! reviewing coming soon! (just a little trigger warning this mv has a clip of someone after committing suicide--the wrist and the blood is blurred out, but I still wanted to give you guys a heads up).

parks and recreation
you know I have a problem. I think I've watched two seasons this week alone. yeah...don't really have a good excuse for that. hence the reason I'm camped out at the library a lot.

my PT show! while I do planks and crunches and lunges I watch Matt Murdock be adorable and run around the city beating up the baddies. I love it a lot.

descendants of the sun
this is a new show that I love carefully. it's so good and the characters are so lovely right now, but I have this weird feeling that it's going to get angsty and dramatic and I just can't handle that right now. but bless song joongki for this show. bless him.

+ books +

I read some good books in march. and didn't review enough. whoops. I do have several reviews (1 book and a few shows) coming up so look forward to that. or not. whatever.) I wanted to read more, but I also started a lot of books and have yet to finish them. also whoops. particularly P.S. I Still Love You. Still sitting on my shelf. waiting for me to crack it open and finish it. and let's not even mention Lady Midnight. I bought that massively beautiful book fifteen days ago and I still haven't read more than a chapter or two. triple whoops. 

you thought you could get through an update post without a pinterest break. ha. never.


so that's that. I feel like I didn't do that much beside stress about school and life and write. but I guess that's all I do these days. so yeah. I'm over you, march. you weren't terrible, but you sure weren't fantastic.

see you on the other side, april. I have high hopes for you.


Tuesday, March 29, 2016

beautiful people: the non-descript boy and the purple jacket

I have a problem.

(actually I have a lot of problems but let's not get distracted from the point...)

I have a plot bunny. actually, it's a little more of a plot sheep, because of the larger amount of fluff than normal. and actually, this plot sheep is borderline obese, because it is growing by the second.

and when I say fluff, I mean fluff, guys. I'm so used to angst and sadness and emotional macaroni and cheese that the idea of writing happy fluffy things both excites and scares me. also, the idea of a plot sheep kind of terrifies me because I'm really getting places with the great ones.

but this is a plot sheep or bunny or whatever other fluffy woodland creatures you can think of that I am willing to keep.

literally how I felt when I got this idea

so here I am, doing Beautiful People about people I literally thought up yesterday, and I'm totally okay with that.

welcome to the world, Nathan Fields. you have foiled my plans to actually write from a female perspective post great ones. thanks.

What first inspired this character? Is there a person/actor you based them off?
aaaaactually this whole story (but especially Nathan) was inspired by my repeated awkward encounters at the library. I have been working there a few times a week, and it always seems like I make awkward eye contact/collisions with people while there. and if there's anything I enjoy more than being awkward, it's forcing my awkwardness off on my characters. I haven't seriously thought about how Nathan looks, but in my quick scribbles from yesterday he kind of looks like this guy in my head. but not really. idk.

Describe their daily routine.

wake up. shower. decide between fruit loops and raisin bran for breakfast. say goodbye to parents. walk to the library wishing he could spend his summer outside instead of squirreled away in a dark corner of books. shelf books and avoid people. eat tuna sandwich for lunch (white bread, none of that nasty whole wheat stuff). shelf more books. try not to stalk girl in the purple jacket. try to ignore girl in purple jacket. when girl in purple jacket leaves try not to totally stalk her by reading the books she looked at. shelf more books. clock out. walk home, still wishing he could the summer outside. eat supper in front of the tv. wait up until the parents get home. get in bed. try not to think about the girl in the purple jacket. try not to think about how he doesn't know her face. sleep. badly.

Nathan 90% of the time.

If they joined your local high school, what clique would they fit into?
*whispers* Nathan's a giant nerd but he's not the kind of nerd who likes to hang out with other nerds so he's kind of an egotistical nerd. 

Write a list of things they merely tolerate. Ex: certain people, foods, circumstances in their lives...
~his parents~
~cold coffee~
~his best friends, the only nerds he actually likes~
~the way he can't approach the girl in purple even though he's 90% he might like least the back of her head and her taste in books~
~baby carrots and artichokes~

How do they react in awkward silences?

he sometimes tries to break the awkward silence but his voice usually cracks and it is mucho awkwardo.

Can they swim? If so, how did they learn?
yes, he was on the swim team until this last year when he suddenly needed to have a job. his grandpa taught him in this slimy pond out back in the middle of nowhere. 

What is one major event that helped shape who they are?
the day his parents put his grandfather into a nursing home against both Nathan and his grandpa's will.

also Nathan 90% of the time

What things do they value most in life?
patterns and solidarity. he doesn't like uncertainty. also his books.

Do they believe in giving other people second chances? Do they have any trust issues?
he doesn't really give second chances; they just kind of fall into that "I tolerate you" area of things. I wouldn't say he has trust issues, but he doesn't trust you easily once you break his trust. 
this is mainly directed at his parents, who are accidentally jerks but really mean well. 

Your character is having a rough day...what things do they do to make them happy again? Is there anyone they talk/interact with to get in a better mood?

he hates talking on the phone, but he'll call up his grandpa, just to talk to him about his life in the nursing home. he also likes to eat crappy chinese take-out and watch old crime shows. 

 guys, the fluffy monstrosity of a plot bunny is now the size of a woolly mammoth. I now have a name for it too. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

 but now it's time to put this beautifully tempting idea away and envelope myself in the great ones. not that I'm complaining. things are flowing very well right now, and I'm super excited to move on from Matt being constantly sad to Matt being slightly less sad. it's progress, I guess. 

now I'm going to watch anime and read books and not think about Nathan and the girl in the purple jacket or that essay that I need to finish by tomorrow. 
you can't tell I've been watching absurd amounts of Parks and Rec lately, can you?
hope you guys have a great week!  


Wednesday, March 23, 2016

united we stand, divided I fall

“Don’t leave me alone.”
Glass smashes against a wall; it glitters in evening sunlight with deadly grace.
“Please don’t leave me alone.”
The rip of paper, the crash of metal, my raw voice begging for someone to please, please, please stop me fills the room.
“Stay with me. I need you.”
I collapse on my bed, disheveling it for the first time since December 6th; I am absolutely gutted. I feel too much and nothing at the same time. A throbbing headache pulses through my whole body; all I want is to shut off.

But I have to have an answer.
“I get it, Matty.”  Colt, ignoring the wrecked room, sticks his hands deep in his pockets and drills a hole in the floor with his serious and scared eyes. “ bad is it this time?”
The unspoken question that he really asks hangs tediously in the air. I brush my fringe out of my vision and bite the side of my cheek before answering. “I...I don’t want to die.”
He sighs in relief.
I swallow. “But I also don’t want to keep living, Colt.” I watch his lanky frame physically deflate. How long has he been waiting for this to happen? Did he lie awake at night--like me?--and wonder when my brother’s mortal coil would ensnare me as well? 

The oily voice of self-hate and guilt weasels in between my thoughts, poisoning my mind with innocuous whispers. You shouldn’t have told him, it hisses. You deserve to suffer this alone.
Besides, what’s the point of living without him.
I almost believe it.
He crouches on the floor before me, kicking aside shattered fragments of picture frames. “So why don’t you take your medication again?”
“I hate the medication.”
“So do I. I still take them, though.” I grit my teeth. The mocking in his voice is just your imagination, Matt. He’s just trying to help you. Colt sleeps because of the pills. He smiles because of the drugs. He can eat and drink and talk like a normal person because of the medication.
Or maybe he doesn’t hurt as badly as you. He’s not as broken. His pain isn’t real. The drugs don’t take anything away; they just cover it so you can move on.
Shut up, brain. 

“I can’t take my medications,” I explain slowly, gripping the sheets beneath me tightly. The room starts closing in on me. It’s all I can do to keep from bolting--but if I run, I’ll be by myself again. “They make me slippery. Like I could stop holding on.”
His forehead bends with a tiny ‘w’ shaped wrinkle; his bushy eyebrows draw together. “Isn’t that what you want? I don’t understand?”
Of course he doesn’t. I want to run away, not drown. “They make my brain fuzzy.” I like it too much when they kick in; it feels like free-falling into a bottomless void…any feelings I have left go dull and gray and formless. I don’t feel anything.

Even the guilt.
Especially the guilt.
And that’s the one thing I need to keep holding on to.
The guilt is my anchor.
The sound of Colt cracking his knuckles rings out like a gunshot in the heavy silence hanging between us; his face twists with an unreadable emotion. He doesn’t deserve this. I should never have told him--never put him through all my problems and hurts. I’m just dragging him deeper into my personal despair. No one deserves that--except me.
This time, the voice is my own.
“Do you need to go to the hospital?” He finally asks. “Do you think you’re going to do something reckless?”
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. If I look at the anger simmering in the corners of this devastated room, I know I’m not safe out here on my own. But going to the hospital is one step closer to being like my brother.
Dying, but alive.
“Just don’t leave me alone, okay?”