Monday, July 29, 2013

...perfect is a relative term...


what is it?

my dictionary says that insecurity is a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence, or anxiety about yourself. Coming from a teenaged girl, I know what it's like to have insecurity. Some days, I'm fine. Other times, the pressure I feel inside is overwhelming. I always can feel under my skin some ounce of anxiety, and I'm always wondering what circumstance will force it out of its hiding place.

I must also admit that, though I still have insecurity about myself, I've gotten so much better over the years. As a middle schooler/young teenager, I felt concious about everything--as most every girl does. I struggled with body image, self-worth, and confidence daily. I looked at myself in the mirror some days and felt like dirt. It was awful. 

i don't think that ten year old me could imagine what 17 year old me would be like. I don't think she would believe that I'm overcoming my crippling fear of talking to people. I don't think she would believe the amount of times I've been up on stages in front of people and not passed out from panic. I KNOW she wouldn't believe that some days I still look in the mirror and feel like dirt, but don't care. 

the biggest part of overcoming insecurity is not caring.

you know how people are always harping on how 'society is ruining our girls by telling them that they have look beautiful all the time and be skinny and have a hot boyfriend and be popular and pretty?' And how they usually respond to all that by telling the girls: "Don't worry what others think about you--just be yourself."

i think both statements are equally hurtful.

society is more than a little messed up. There aren't enough good role models to go around. But when you tell a girl to "just be herself," it's almost as bad as telling her to model herself after some pop culture idol. If I am any sort of an example, most teenaged girls aren't sure who they are. They're still figuring out how they want to live, who they want to be around, and what they want to do. They don't have the confidence of a grown woman, nor the independence of a college-aged girl. They're in that messy "in-between" stage of life.

so when you tell her to be herself, you're basically telling her to be insecure. To be unsure. To be confused.

so what should you do to actually be yourself? To overcome insecurity? To get past all that? 

don't give a heck. don't care. don't worry.

 i'm a worrywort. Always have been, always will be. It's second nature for me to worry over something that might not even happen. I always invest myself too much in things, and thus end up hurt worse than most people would be. 

i think the best advice I could give to someone like me who's struggled/struggling with insecurity is this: just live. Don't fret about what you're going to do for the rest of your life. Don't beat yourself up for the number on the scale. Don't compare yourself to other people. And don't try to just be you if you're not 100% of who the person you are going to be.

just live.

i'd like to think that I've lived my life to the fullest these past few years. I've shattered parts of my comfort zone, I've lost some of my self-conciousness, and I've grown stronger. I think I'm starting to figure out who the real me is.

but I wouldn't have been able to get this far if  I hadn't given myself a kick in the pants and started living. 

i'm not perfect (HECK NO!!!) I still think I look great in the mirror, then take a picture of myself and think "Oh, gosh, no." I compare myself to my friends daily, and I have weeks where I just don't want to get out of bed. I'm never going to be perfect.

and I think the key to all this is knowing that...and being okay with it.  

Thursday, July 25, 2013

...i desperately need you...

oh my gosh...two of my favorite things combined: Owl City and card flourishing. Words cannot describe how much I am in love with this.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

...a world at my fingertips...

i hate it when people demand definites. You know, definites. When people ask you "What are you going to do with your life?" "Where are you going to go to for college? ARE you going to college?" "Do you have a boyfriend yet? *wink wink* *nudge nudge*" "Are you getting a paying job?"

i really can't stand that.

yes, I know that in the Bible it says, "Don't live in the gray area" (God's Word, according to the  Elizabeth Is Too-Tired To Look It Up translation). Descisions are good. I get that. I know how to make descisions, I pray that they are good decisions, and I make them with finality--no wishy-washy-ness on my part.

but the hardest thing is that somedays, I don't WANT to make definites. I want to stay in my own little world of unformed ideas, hopes, and dreams. I don't want to face the facts that reality twists our plans into things we'd never dreamed of. I don't want it.
but as a teenager becoming an adult, I have to.

i turn seventeen in two weeks. That's a frightening thought. Why? Because in spring of next year, I graduate. A year from now, I'll be preparing to head to college. And if that isn't a definite, I don't know what is.

i've been struggling with several things throughout my teenaged years--self-image, confidence, bitterness, and hurt. I'm proud to say that I've demolished some of those foolish little fears. Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt in public for the first time in a decade. I have the wavering confidence to go up to the young man I like and initiate a conversation, instead of praying that he comes over and lavishes attention upon me. I forgive the people who hurt me, and though I still struggle with bitterness towards certain family members, I can see the leaps and bounds that I have made.

i'm rather happy with the person that I am becoming.

but I'm still a person who doesn't like making definites.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

...a snippet from my life...

 as I have mentioned before, I have two very kooky yet awesome friends who keep me entertained with their daily shenanigans. I went to bed early last night, so I didn't see this conversation until I got up the next morning, but when I did, it sent me into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. These two are very, very funny. I'm so grateful to have them as my friends.
 Dr. Carbon How do you think I got to know so much about pi?
Ferdy: By being a glutton?
Dr. Carbon: I set myself up for that one. No, goofy, from studying excellent math. 
Ferdy:  Ah I see. 
Dr. Carbon: Good thing, too. I would have been saddened to learn that you were blind.
Ferdy: Then I would just need some Jesus mud
Dr. Carbon: Didn't think you could get that at the pharmacy down the street. 
Ferdy: hmmm probably not. The last sample they had is so outdated probably doesn't even work any more
Dr. Carbon Methinks they lost the recipe. Which is strange, considering how effective it is. It works like the hand of God. You think they'd keep track of little things like that.
 Ferdy: You could almost call it's scent "Heavenly."
Dr. Carbon: It works well with Prayintohim. Also, it's the cheapest stuff on the shelves. Or maybe it's priceless. Well, we already know that one of the ingredients is the grain of a mustard seed.

and that was the highlight of my morning. O.o My life is weird...