Wednesday, February 26, 2014

{fifteen things}

before we get started, I need to clarify that I'm being a total copy-cat of my dear friend Lauricia (who is an awesome person, btw. You should check out her blog here, if you haven't already).

{fifteen things for which I am thankful}

sleeping until 6:30. Gosh, that extra half hour of sleep does wonders. 

 kids and their silly faces.

linds, from the great ones and the general
my little sister

new books. old books. big books. small books. paperbacks. hardbacks. BOOKS.

this song.

straight hair.

late night talks with friends about the most absurd and meaningful things.


rainy days and thunderstorms

these people.

this book. finally got around to reading it, and it's now a favorite.

a strong appreciation for sarcasm



and people who know just exactly how to make me smile. 

thank you. 

Monday, February 24, 2014

it's only in your head

Have you ever had a song that just stopped you in your tracks the moment you heard it? A song that instantly strikes a chord with you, and the moment it finishes playing, you rush to the computer to look it up on YouTube and read the lyrics?

I don't find those songs very often, but when I, do I listen the heck out of them.

Today, while tidying my room and listening to the radio, a song came on. So what? That's what the radio is for: songs come on, you listen to them, and maybe you enjoy it, maybe you don't. It wasn't even the first time I'd ever heard this song, and without thinking, I started singing along.

And then it came to the chorus.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Yes, I am talking about Jimmy Eats World's fabulous song The Middle. I grew up listening to this song (albeit a parody...called the Spittle. Don't ask. Just don't ask.) I would hear it every now and then while listening to my He Is We Pandora station. But I guess it never struck me how powerful of a song it was until now. Or maybe it didn't mean as much to me until now. I don't know which.

I have yet to meet a teen who doesn't struggle at least a tiiiiiiny bit with comparing themselves to those around them. I'd like to meet someone who doesn't have moments when they wonder what people say about them when their backs are turned. Self-confidence is something that I've always had issues with, and as I've grown, it's not gotten any better. Yes, I've gotten better at shoving that nagging little voice into a dark corner and going on with whatever I was originally going to do, but even if I do that, the voice is still there. I cannot tell you how many times I ask myself "Am I being too weird for these people to handle? Do they think I'm strange? Should I just shut up already?"

This song reminds me that that little dark voice says some really stupid stuff. I shouldn't care so much about what others think of me. It is good to want people to like you, I believe, but to a proper extent. You shouldn't let it change who you are, what you do, how you act. You're still figuring out just who you are--don't let other people form you into something that you are.

You're in the middle of the ride. Everything is going to be just fine. It just takes some time. Don't write yourself off yet.

Sunday, February 23, 2014


I just woke up.

No, seriously. I literally did just wake up.

You'd think I wouldn't be so exhausted after only being gone for less than 48 hours, but in the span of those hours, I've done so much I think I am allowed to sleep for 12 hours straight.

Why am I so tired?  My friends, over this weekend, I made the terrible journey to...Bible Quizzing Iowa Invitational Regionals.

*cues impending doom music*

Iowa and I have a love-hate relationship going on. I really love it, because when I go, I have lots of fun.  But I also really don't it,'s in Iowa. I've traveled from Missouri to Iowa many a time, and 5 and a half hours of sitting in the car with sometimes 9 other people is not my cup of tea. For an introvert, car trips are hard--there is no real place for you to escape to and recharge (unless you can commandeer the front seat), you are the definition of squished, and it's unbelievably loud. And then, when you get out of the car, you're hustled from car to hotel to church, then back again. You quiz from 7ish to sometimes midnight (trust me, I've done ain't fun). When you get back to the hotel for the night, you get into bed and close your eyes for maybe 4 or 5 hours if you're lucky...and then it's back to the church for more quizzing!

Iowa is crazy stressful, but it's also crazy fun. I love Iowa because it's like the Nationals experience squished into two days--well, really one day--of quizzing. I get to see my friends from other states that I haven't gotten to see in nearly a year. I get to hang out with awesome people. I get to be crazy and slaphappy and not feel weird about it because everyone else is doing the same. And most of all--I get to quiz.

This last Iowa was potentially the last time we could quiz as this version of Squad. Depending on who's going to college next year, who decides to focus on school and other sports, or who is just plain done, our team could be completely changed next year. So as we quizzed, we quizzed with the realization that...this could be our last time as a team. We hope it won't be like that, but even so, it gave the experience a completely different feel.

If we do part and go our separate ways, we all know that not much is going to change. Some of my teammates are related to me--or my family has unofficially 'adopted' them. Some of them I've been quizzing with since I was twelve years old. And some of them are just the most amazing people that I will ever know. There's no way we could let all this teamwork and compatibility fade away. I know that, even if Squad changes next year, this Squad will be the one that I remember.

The tears, the laughter, the crazy's all gonna stay with us forever. Honestly, the trophies and the points we've gained are nice, but when it comes down to it, I would trade them all, just for another 8 years of quizzing with these amazing people.

Soixante-huit, guys. Soixante-huit.

Friday, February 14, 2014

warning: gif overload

why hello there.
 I'm having a bit of gif-fetish right now. I'm sorry.

I'm in a pretty good mood right now.
feeling a bit like a boss.
also feeling a bit like bouncing on beds.
 hey, it's the end of a long week. I do what I want.

have I mentioned lately that I want a kitten?

wait, was that David Tennant two gifs up?

Fullmetal Alchemist.  *heavy pause* FullMETAL Alchemist.
*nuff said*

me and my friends, pretty much. 

heheheheheheheh...I wish I could do this to people sometimes...

Oh look, more FMA.

please. I don't have an anime obsession.

okay, so maybe I do...

 oh look, another obsession...

oh dear...ehehehehehe... :)

I miss these two.
also these two.
wha...I don't even know...
 probably what ya'll are thinking, reading this post...

yup. All hope for my sanity has fled.

hey, at least I'm having fun.
why are all my SHINee gifs somehow MEXICAN related????????
also, Taemin, I get you man. Me wants taco too...
I just wanna fight giant aliens. Is that too much to ask?

though not you, Mr. Do Minjoon. You I consider a nice little alien being.
*vows never to sing any other version of this song ever again* 

where the heck do I find all these gifs... 
ok, I'm done. 

Hope you all have an AMAZING Valentine's Day. 


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

it gets better

All authors have that one character that they just want to wrap in a giant hug and tell them that it's all gonna be okay, everything isn't their fault, and that they still love them, even if no one else does.

For me, that character is Matt.

I love Matty with a fervor. He's really "grown up" over the years (if you can even say that about a fiction of my imagination) and writing him and his story has been a growing experience for the both of us. If I could, I'd kidnap him and keep him hostage from all the mean things and we'd watch LOTR and drink hot cocoa and have a good old time. 

And yet every time I sit down to write, I feel like cracking my knuckles and wiggling my eyebrows, asking, "Just what can I do today to make the poor boy's life miserable?"

Yes, I am probably a sadist at heart. 

I guess the thing that makes me have the push and pull feeling when it comes to Matt is the fact that I know how it's going to end. I know how he ends up changing. I know how much he's going to hurt to the exact degree. I know, because it all started in my head.

 It's the curse of the author--to write the character, you see from their point of view--in some cases, you have to live it. And no, I don't think of Matty as a version of myself as much as I have in the past. I've never lost a friend to suicide, let alone my brother. I'm somewhat reclusive, but not as much as he is. He has PTSD, something I've never experienced before. In some ways, I'm out of my depth, writing a character who deals with issues like this. However, I don't feel like I can give up on Matt.


Because we've all had those days. The days when you're just too tired to stand. When someone asks you if you're okay, and you're really really not. When your head hurts from banging it against the wall (whether it be literally or figurative). When you wake up in the morning, and after five seconds of peaceful emptiness, the emotional drain on your spirit returns.

It's kind of funny, but if my Matt were human--if he was the kid across the street with the black backpack and the permanent scowl, if he were the guy I sit across from in class, if I could tangibly see him, touch him, talk to him--there's just one thing that I want to say to him.

The sun will come out. I promise. 

I promise.