Wednesday, June 7, 2017

a w a y


your fingerprints
left
maps on my memory
everywhere i go
i
see traces left by
you
you're permanent
irremovable
a stain on my 'idyllic' youth
on my life
i don't hate you
i just wish
we had been
just a little less stubborn
in all our different ways
i wish your traces
would just
fade
a w a y


this is the road
we walked down
together
what felt like every other day
you didn't understand
my parents
their rules
their guidelines
their wishes
neither did i
but
over and over
"they trust me"
you didn't understand that either


this is the front yard
where
you told me
about your first kiss
about a boy
you didn't really love
this is the backyard
where
i told you
about this boy
and you smiled
i thought it was real
at least part of it
it never was


this is the crowded parking lot
where
you told me
how much you
hated
the people i chose
to love
where you drew that
life-defining line in the sand
and dared me to walk away
why did you choose that place
in particular
there were people talking
children laughing
so many people
but inside i shattered
where no one could hear


this is now
here
five years in the future
funny
how things change
how worlds constantly shift and form
you're not in my life any more
you never will be
but that doesn't mean
it was all bad
there's good
in all that happened
somewhere
i'm still trying to find it


this is the future
not the one
i dreamed of
that
didn't happen
but instead
it's what I needed
i'm not sorry i walked
a w a y
when i did
you kept me trapped
with your words and anger
and in leaving
i found
myself


7 comments:

  1. This really hit me, I had a falling out with a good friend. This describes it perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I needed this poem so much Ely. I love you. wow

    ReplyDelete
  3. ELY! So first things first, this is my first visit to your beauttttt blog since I've been back (Since I've Been Back, hit Kelly Clarkson song that never was? I dunno maybe). I have taken way too long to get here! (((Seriously, what've been playing at?))) I missed you! Just had a lil scroll of the archives, you are now writing Cor? THAT'S SO EXCITING. TELL ME.

    Anywaaay, this is beautiful, wow. I absolutely love the very first lines -- they really struck me. At first I thought it was about getting over being in love, rather than a friend; the first verse relates to that, too. Gorgeous. I missed reading your stuff!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey youuuuu! missed you so much while you're gone--thanks for catching up! I've been loving reading what you got up to in Kenya. sounds like it was such a wonderful experience for you!

      as much as I would like to be working on Cor, it's kind of on a backburner right now. I am actually writing a super secret project that I occasionally post subtle tweets about, and hopefully there will be a blog post once I am in the home stretch of writing (I just hit the halfway mark on my outline, so I'm hoping mid-July or something. *runs screaming into the void*) but let's just sum it up as : sadness, swimming, and constellations. also terrible writing, because I am literally just churning out the innards of my mind, but who cares! it's the first draft! let the suckiness commence!

      thank you so much for your kind words about this poem/stream of consciousness. I actually wrote the first few stanzas years ago, and I only just recently found the notebook it was hiding it. it brought back a lot of memories and emotions, but it also really showed me that my perspective on what happened has changed a lot. so yeah. *shrugs*

      I MISSED YOU, MY FRIEND. glad to have you back! <3

      Delete
    2. Stars, sadness and swimming???? SIGN ME UP! I just got in from a lovely swim in the lake near my house. Aallll I want is to write a book about wild swimming. Seriously.

      Delete
    3. dude yes. we have a small pool at our place, and it's literally my favourite thing because it's so hot and muggy here. I wish we had a local place to go swimming in lakes/creeks, because I adore swimming in running water, but it's not worth the drive lol. in this book, they swim in a quarry, because wild swimming is the bomb dot com.

      Delete

the best way to make me smile is to comment. or to send me a basket full of kittens and dark chocolate. whatever works for you.