frustration {a letter}

you frustrate me, Jonathon. 

you frustrate me a lot.

you're such an interesting character. you have so much potential. you have a cheeky smile and an impudent voice. you make me wanted to open a new notebook and start scribbling the ideas that are churning around in my head. 

and I haven't even written one word of your dialogue yet.

your brother misses you a lot, you know. the amount that he misses you and yet still won't admit it make me sad. can you feel sad for a fictional character that you yourself are inflicting pain upon? cos that's how I feel about Matt. 

i think he doesn't just miss you. i think he's afraid, too. 

afraid that he's going to turn out just like you.

afraid to hurt someone like you hurt him.

afraid to lose someone else.

afraid to admit that he's not as strong as the rest of the world knows he's pretending to be. 

and that makes me sad too.

is there something you wish could say to him? a word of encouragement, a kick in the pants? he could probably use both. do you ever wish that you two had been switched? That he'd been the one to go, and you'd be the one to stay? do you think you'd be coping any better than he is? 

because, quite honestly, I don't think he's coping at all. 

 sometimes, it just hurts to watch. 

and that makes me frustrated too.