i want to go back

things seem to change rather suddenly these days. one moment, everything is in an uproar and chaotic and no one knows what's going to happen, and then--out of nowhere--peaceful serenity descends. those peaceful moments are probably the power of prayer, but in some ways, they're almost worse than the chaotic times. why? because when it's peaceful, when things are calm, when I can sit and breathe, that's when my mind starts to go back.

I don't like change. never have, never will. I do not adjust quickly, nor do I do so in a graceful manner. moving from my home of 12 years, having a permanent house guest, losing a best friend...I did not cope well with any of these three things (all of which have happened to me in the past year and a half). I even have a hard time when the change is for the better--seeing someone I love and cherish flourish in their independence and start a new life with their chosen person hurts, because I miss them. 

I guess that's my problem. I miss the past too much.

I miss the late night talks I had with a best friend. I miss being able to tell her about my dreams, my frustrations with a certain male individual, my family life. I miss telling her jokes. I miss watching TV with her. I miss sharing books. I miss our inside jokes. I miss her. A lot.

I miss tickle fights with my big brother. I miss getting to see him every day, getting his giant bear hugs, getting to fool around in the kitchen with him. I miss the way he'd hold me when all I could do was cry into his shoulder. I even miss our little tiffs and arguments, because we'd always make up before you could even call it a fight. I miss him. A lot.

I miss a person who I never loved much to begin with. I miss how peaceful, boring, and ordinary our life was. I miss being able to smile at certain people. I miss being able to respect certain people. I miss eating meals at tables and not feeling weird about it. I miss sleeping and not having dreams. I miss all these things. A lot. 

I miss a lot of things. A lot of things I wish had never changed.

but would I be the same person as I am now? Would I love the people I now love? 
Would I be happy with how I turned out?

quite honestly, no.
I'm a person who's drastically changed over the past 3 years.

I love that God has put certain precious people in my life that keep encouraging me and that there is no way I would've gotten this close to them if certain hard changes hadn't happened. 

I am happy with what I've become.

but that still means I can have days when all I want is everything to go back to how it was.

and that's okay.


  1. Oh Ely. You're so right. Really, really right.

    Missing things, feeling empty when you reach out for them---it hurts. I think I can relate and understand to a lot of this, but that doesn't mean that it's less painful or annoying or bothersome.

    Love ya.


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