i want to believe

no, I don't want to talk aliens. no, I don't want to go into a detailed discussion about Fox Mulder and his perfect face and why he and Scully are the bomb.com. today, I want to talk about something that seems simple, and a lot of people try to fake it, but the reality is that to genuinely pull this off, it ain't easy.

I'm talking about believing in yourself.

believing in yourself is hard. it's not something you wake up with over night, where you sudden acquire a degree in being confident and feel capable in your abilities. it's a daily, uphill battle sometimes. some days are easier than others; some people have it easier than others. but it is safe to say that believing in yourself is a challenge.

I love accomplishing things. trying new things is actually one of my favourite activities, as long as said thing doesn't terrify me and once I get past the original anxiety of it all. but in order to try those new and exciting (or sometimes old and boring) things, you have to believe in yourself. and that takes an awful lot of strength sometimes. it's like flying a kite--it seems like the more and more confidence you bolster your efforts with, the harder you fall, because you sometimes you will fall. and when that happens, you forget the carefree happiness that comes with trusting in your abilities and believing in yourself, and your whole memory is eaten up by the sinking feeling that comes with that terrible plummet back to earth. that feeling can control you, if you let it. that feeling would have you stay inside your house, over-analyzing everything you've ever done or said to make sure that you didn't make a mistake in front of friends or strangers. that feeling commands you to invest more time in trying to control your surroundings than to enjoy the view of life that God gave you. that feeling is a jerk, and I know it far too well.
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when I was growing up, my best friend never had a problem believing in herself. she knew she could do everything, and she knew she was good at it. you could practically tell it in her walk. that was her. she believed in herself, and it bolstered her identity. I remember watching her as a kid and thinking: "how does she do that with such ease? I would die." more often than not, when she did something reckless and out of my comfort zone, I did die. it was like she got a double-scoop of self-confidence, and I got the leftovers.

I'm still that little ginger kid that sits on the side and watches the action go down until I'm totally sure I can follow the steps without falling on my face and embarrassing myself. self-confidence does grow as you get older, but not in the way that the adults always told me as a little girl. it takes time. it's not like you turn 18 and suddenly you are the literal king of the universe and can do anything and everything. you've got to be patient and not give into that sinking feeling. and if you do mess up? if everything you've tried falls into a million pieces and you feel like it is the end of the world (because, let's be honest, that feeling is more than a little over-dramatic), remember that it is okay. one of my favourite twenty one pilots lyrics is from Truce, where Tyler reminds "the sun will rise, and we will try again."

try again. believing in yourself takes trying. and it's hard, and you're going to give up and cry on the kitchen floor like you're fifteen and everything important to you is in smithereens (voice of experience...and trust me, it's actually good for the soul), but you're going to get up and move on and continue to believe in yourself.

because, if you ask me (and anyone who matters) you are worth believing in.

"Stop trying, it's okay to lose," is another of my favourite lyrics, this time from BTS' Fire. wait, Ely, you just told me to try and not give up...this is the exact opposite of what you just told me. see, I don't think so. i think a lot of the time when we say we're trying to grow our belief in ourselves we actually end up trying to believe ourselves into someone else's shape. which is scary. we see everybody else's "perfect" lives and think, "man...I want what they have." so we try to fit into their box. but I really think that's the problem with our society and with media these days. we're not trying to believe in ourselves, truly. we're trying to believe in being like someone else. so stop trying so hard to be like someone else. try things and embrace the fear that is yours. it's okay that it's there. it will probably always be there. and you will have bad days where that fear envelops you. and that's okay. don't make it worse by forcing yourself to try and be brave like someone else.

just because you have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad year, does not mean that you should give up on believing in yourself and all that you can do. because you can do so much. and the only person who is going to do it is you.

the truth is out there, guys. and I believe it's in believing in you.

on my tombstone, please write: "Died of cheesiness at the expense of making a really terrible X-files reference. It was totally worth it."

I love you, guys. thank you for being awesome, and I hope this stream of thought was worth the read.

*all images from pinterest*